Most people think they know why others engage in 'ghosting,' but surprising new research shows entirely different motivation for the behaviour, that stands contrary to popular opinion - our relationship experts shares their thought on the findings.
Ghosting can take many forms, and isn't limited to dating. Those who've found out the hard way that best friends are no longer forever, might've been ghosted by friendship groups. Working from home might keep mother's in employment, but means they can more easily be ghosted by colleagues, which might happen more than you realise. Among family disputes and grandparent fails, family members have ended up ghosting each other - proving just how many forms the behaviour can take.
However, new research has turned everything you think you might know about ghosting on its head. When it comes to dating, it's for cowards and sociopaths who don't care about anyone's feeling, right? According to the study, just the opposite. The researchers suggest the ghosted person instantly takes the behaviour as a negative form of rejection. This is because they are faced with an empty gap, that should be filled with reasons for end of the relationship - this feels destabilising and there's usually an overwhelming need to fill the gap for closure.
Humans have a natural tendency to fill this void of knowledge with self-deprecatory speculation, leading to feelings of insecurity and anger towards the ghoster. The study found that actually, those doing the ghosting are trying to protect the feelings of the ones they've chosen to no longer spend time with. The thought of offering reasons for no longer wanting to be friends or refusing a follow up date makes them frightened of having to hurt the other party's feelings. Instead, they mistakenly feel that leaving these things unsaid will prevent hurt.
Why would ghosting prevent someone's feelings being hurt?
To understand the concept of why a ghoster would believe this behaviour actually saves the feelings of the person they're ghosting, we spoke to Dee Johnson, senior accredited BACP therapist, and Georgina Sturmer, BACP registered counsellor. Dee shares her perspective, telling us: "It can be because they truly believe that no good will come from any further communication. That trying to keep communicating - even with the best intentions at heart - they know may cause pain, hurt, misunderstanding, anger and stress, and the realisation there is no point in laying the path for these emotions."
Georgina adds "They say that the ‘truth hurts,’ and hearing the truth isn’t always an enlightening or uplifting experience. Sometimes it’s painful, embarrassing, anxiety ridden or anger inducing. And when we know this, it helps us to understand why we might not tell the full story when something happens in a friendship or relationship.
In that moment, it might feel kinder or easier or less frightening to simply cut and run. This is even more likely to be the case if we know that someone has low self-esteem or is already vulnerable. Or if we know that they have been through this before with other people. We might believe that it’s kinder to do a disappearing act and to ghost them than to explain the reasons why we are removing ourselves from the friendship, relationship or situation."
"In that moment, it might feel kinder or easier or less frightening to simply cut and run. This is even more likely to be the case if we know that someone has low self-esteem or is already vulnerable."
Georgina Sturmer, counsellor
Why do we jump to the worst conclusions when it comes to ghosting?
As the study suggests, the most natural behaviour for the person being ghosted is to immediately believe bad things about themselves - they aren't good enough, they aren't attractive enough, or they're a boring person and nobody wants them in a friendship group. This raises the question, why is this our 'go-to' trail of thought, and why wouldn't we believe the ghoster had ulterior motives of kindness?
Dee explains this response, telling us "We are all masters at doing other people’s thinking for them - imaging what and why a person is reacting in a way towards us, getting caught up in our thoughts and running all sorts of angry, confused, worried and painful scenarios in our heads…most of which leads to more negative beliefs. It is natural for us to have as a basic survival response to look for the worst conclusion, unfortunately a lot of this just derives from our negative imagination."
"For the person who is being ghosted, there’s a layer of uncertainty that can be incredibly destabilising. That sense of ‘not knowing’ adds to our own self-criticism and spiralling negative thoughts, until we believe ourselves inherently ‘bad’ in some way."
Georgina Sturmer, counsellor
Dee adds "If you already have low self-esteem, anxiety, a history of being bullied, abused or controlled, your fear based response will kick in. Over time this becomes a conditioned response and trying to desperately get a sense of control to work out if you did something wrong - perhaps you can amend it - and then you will not be blamed any more . This is such a distressing way of being and only leads to more lack of confidence and low mood. The overthinking of every possibility becomes all-consuming and you are telling your brain 'it’s your fault', desperately searching for a rationale to give a resolution or closure."
Furthering the conversation, Georgina tells us "Our natural instinct is to look to those around us for feedback. For a sense of whether or not we are accepted and liked by other people. This helps us to build a sense of security and confidence in ourselves. And if this feedback is negative or critical, then it can lend weight to our own self-criticism."
She continues "This is where ghosting can be so damaging. For the person who is doing the ghosting it might feel like a neutral act, perhaps sparing the other person from knowing the truth. But for the person who is being ghosted, there’s a layer of uncertainty that can be incredibly destabilising. That sense of ‘not knowing’ adds to our own self-criticism and spiralling negative thoughts, until we believe ourselves inherently ‘bad’ in some way."
For more on negative behaviours, we look at whether you could have a toxic mother, and the six phrases adult children need to hear from their difficult parents to begin healing. Parents should also be aware that it's good to talk to kids about achievements, but experts share how to do this in a healthy and non-toxic way.
Dee Johnson is an experienced BACP senior accredited psychotherapist, trainer, and motivational speaker who is passionate about mental fitness. Dee currently works as a senior addiction therapist at The Priory Hospital, Chelmsford, and also runs her own private practice MindSoup Counselling.
Georgina Sturmer is a BACP registered counsellor who helps women to understand what is holding them back from being happier and more confident and resilient in their life and relationships.
