'I'm fine' and 4 of the biggest lies we've probably all told and how they are damaging your relationship

A psychologist has revealed four of the biggest lies that can have a negative impact on your relationship with your partner or spouse. 

It’s important to be truthful, but we’ve all told the occasional lie at one time or another, perhaps telling a white lie to your kids to spare their feelings. Some parents have asked their child to lie about being ill so they can send them to school as normal, while you might sometimes catch your kids in a lie, too. 

But what about lying in a relationship? It can be difficult to tell the truth all the time, but psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein has outlined four of the biggest lies people tell that can really harm your relationship for Psychology Today. Here's what they are, and why probably say them without even realising they could be a lie.

1. I’m Fine. “‘I’m fine’ is a silent killer in relationships,” says Dr. Bernstein. “It’s often used to avoid confrontation or maintain peace, but it creates a chasm between partners. You’re not giving your partner the chance to support you and understand you – to be truly intimate with your partner, you both need to be vulnerable, and that includes being open and honest about things. 
2. It’s No Big Deal. “Minimizing your feelings or your partner’s actions is another lie that can wreak havoc on a relationship,” says Dr. Bernstein. If things genuinely bother or upset you, but you pretend they don’t, resentment can grow and you can become more distant from your partner. Dr. Bernstein continues, “In healthy relationships, even the “small deals” are addressed and respected because they reflect deeper needs and boundaries.”
3. I Can Change Them. This is more a lie that we can tell ourselves, but it’s also one that will set us up for disappointment. While people can and do change and evolve in relationships, change comes from within. If you enter a relationship with plans to change someone, you aren’t truly accepting them. Over time, this can lead to frustration, resentment, and the realisation that you’ve been in love with the idealised version of somebody. 
4. We Don’t Need to Talk About That. “Avoiding difficult conversations with the excuse of ‘We don’t need to talk about that’ is one of the most destructive lies in a relationship,” says Dr. Bernstein. “Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and when you choose not to address issues, they don’t go away; they rot.”

Often, people will use this lie if they don’t like conflict, or don’t want to hurt their partner, but it’s better to rip the plaster off and have the difficult discussion – it’ll make the relationship stronger, and avoid more significant misunderstandings. 

Remember – it’s important to be open, vulnerable, and honest in a relationship. While you might not enjoy having certain tricky conversations, it’ll only make you both stronger as a couple. 

In other relationship news, a marriage therapist reveals the 5 ‘beige flags’ you should never ignore in a relationship, while the 'strongest' marriages are made, they don't just happen. You might also be interested to read how  ‘Sex fasting’ can ‘supercharge’ your relationship.