We had babies in our 40s - 5 mums share their experiences

More women are getting pregnant in their 40s, empowered by changes to traditional timelines and advances in fertility treatment. According to the Office For National Statistics, there are now twice as many women giving birth past their 30s as there are those having children as teenagers, in England and Wales.

While the path may not be as straightforward for those in their 40s, experts emphasise that it is still very possible to have a safe and healthy pregnancy at this age. What’s more, from greater stability to better knowledge, there are many advantages to mothering a newborn at a later stage.

But what’s it really like to welcome a child in this decade? We’ve spoken to five women about their firsthand experiences of conceiving, carrying and giving birth to a little one at this stage of life, and what they wish they’d known before embarking on their journey.

‘Try not to let the constant talk of being “high risk” worry you’

Jasmine Headley, 44, PR agency director based in Leeds

I had my first son, Milo, when I was 35. I had always wanted two children, but getting pregnant again in my 30s just didn’t happen for us, despite trying. I’d finally started to come to peace with having just one - processing a lot of guilt about him not having a sibling - when, in early January 2022, I found out I was pregnant with Jude. It was a massive surprise, because I was in my 40s by this point, although a very happy one. In fact, he was actually due on my 42nd birthday, but arrived ten days early.

Looking back, I’m really lucky that - while it took a long time - I got pregnant naturally in my 40s. I know this doesn’t happen for a lot of people, and there’s a lot of disappointment every time you discover you’re not pregnant. Both the times I’ve fallen pregnant have been when I’ve stopped trying. So my advice to other women would be to try and relax as much as you can. Although, that’s easier said than done!

Also, when it comes to pregnancy in your 40s, try not to let all the talk of being “high risk” worry you. It was mentioned every time I saw a midwife or doctor, and can be quite hard to deal with - especially if you’re already a bit of a worrier. I was put under consultant care, and had extra appointments with them alongside my usual midwife ones. Doctors also asked me to take aspirin every day.

After my first scan and blood tests, I was also told that the chance of my baby having Down’s syndrome was one in 85, because of my age. Eventually, the results came back showing that he didn’t have it, but it was a really stressful time. I had a c-section - which I had asked for due to having a bad birth with my first son - and it was a brilliant experience.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m in my 40s, or if it’s because Jude is my second child, but I’ve definitely felt more relaxed and confident parenting this time round. I’ve also completely gone with my instinct and not followed all the ever-changing advice about every aspect of parenting, which has felt really freeing. On top of this, given that I’d wanted a second for so long, he really does feel like a little miracle and I count my blessings every day.

However, I’m definitely more tired this time round, which I do think is to do with age. It can also be a bit lonely at times, since all your close friends’ kids tend to be older. When I had Milo, there was always someone to go to baby classes with and to talk to about early motherhood, along with other little ones for him to socialise with. I haven’t had that as much this time round, although I’ve been lucky enough to meet a couple of brilliant mum friends and reconnect with some old ones.

‘You know what is important in your 40s - and when saying “no” is best’

Judy Bartkowiak, 68, child and teen therapist based in Berkshire

I was in a different headspace with each of my four children. Looking back, with my first, I was nervous and easily influenced by medics and friends, with no confidence to use my own intuition. When my second and third children arrived, I was much more relaxed. By the time I was about to give birth to my fourth child at 44, a son called Paul, I knew I wanted a home birth. It was wonderful and I think as a family we really benefited from being together. Although the other kids - then aged eight, 11 and 12 years - complained about my screaming and said they had to turn the TV up!

Pregnancy and giving birth definitely felt easier in my 40s. This was partly because it’s a familiar process for your body, and mentally and emotionally you’re already prepared. Being older, you know how to pace yourself and can easily decide what is important and what isn’t - including when to say “no” and having boundaries. You also don’t bother about being the “perfect” mum because you know that's nonsense.

Parenting a newborn was likewise more of a doddle in my 40s. I was more mature in many ways. My career was well established, so I wasn’t worried about the whole work-life balance thing. As a couple, my partner and I knew how to work really well as a team. The older children were also pretty self-reliant, getting their own breakfast and doing their homework, if I was busy with the baby. Fortunately, as parents we stayed very fit and healthy, so as a family we still enjoyed doing lots of sporty hobbies with the kids.

I’ve noticed that, having had a baby in our 40s, we are much “younger” in our thinking than our friends of the same age. I think having a 24-year-old around in your 60s is a great way to stay connected to young people and be challenged when we say daft “old people” stuff. To other women about to welcome a newborn in this decade, I’d urge you to trust your intuition, know your values, but be open to rethinking your views, be prepared to feel a failure - which goes with motherhood of any age - and maintain existing friendships as well as embrace new ones.

‘I decided to pursue motherhood solo when I turned 40 single’

Emma Halliday, 43, empowerment coach based in West Yorkshire

As I was approaching 35, I felt that the 'proverbial clock' was ticking, and I recalled reading an article some years before about women who used donor sperm from a facility in Denmark to become mothers. Their story came flooding back and I made a promise to myself that if I got to 40 and was still single, then I would do that too. As that time approached, I made the move back to my hometown, prepared family and friends for my decision, and spoke with a fertility clinic. I decided to enjoy my 40th birthday with a big party and then started down the path of becoming a solo mum by choice.

I was told with no sugar-coating by my fertility consultant that I had a 13% to 17% chance the IVF would work the first time. We had discussed having three rounds as that would bring it to around 45% success, but I was very fortunate that it worked the first time. Sadly, there are a number of women I know who had to go through more rounds or were not successful at all, and I would recommend those hoping to become mothers one day to book in a ‘fertility MOT’.

In November 2022, I welcomed my son aged 41. My pregnancy had been smooth - no sickness, barely any fatigue and no weird cravings. I was also advised to take aspirin each day, which is recommended for women over a certain age. The one thing that did bug me slightly was being pushed to have an induction, because of my age and due to my son going past his due date. I kept declining until I finally agreed on a date, and he came the day before.

I've certainly got my sh*t together now I'm older and got things like clubbing out of my system. Although I am still a lover of festivals, adventure and travelling, and hope to expose my son to that as much as possible one day. I have more money now than I did when I was younger, which is important as nursery fees do sting. I would also say I am calmer because I've worked on myself a lot, and I feel like the parenting judgement out there doesn’t affect me like I think it would have if I was younger.

As I am a solo mum by choice, there were a lot of struggles I had anticipated. For instance, only having one income, not having as much free time and having to do all the child admin on my own. What I didn't anticipate was the “I'm an older mum maths”: when he starts university I'll be 59, if he has kids when he's 30 I'll be 71, what if something happens to me because of my age?

Above all, I am so glad I have my child - who is about to turn two - and that I gave birth when I did. In my early 30s I wouldn't have been ready for a child, and I know a lot of women who have had their first or additional children in their 40s - so it doesn't feel weird to me. I’ve also created a life that works best for me - working full-time, studying part-time and launching my business as an empowerment coach, so that I have the flexibility needed to be a solo parent.

‘I’m a better parent in this decade than I would have been in my 30s’

Em Tweedie, 45, personal trainer based in Wokingham

I never wanted children in my 20s or 30s - but I’d been with my husband for 20 years when he told me he really wanted a family. I’d just turned 42 at this point, and also finally felt ready to have a child, and so we tried to get pregnant. After six months of trying, we decided to go down the IVF route, because time was of the essence as I approached 43.

We took an IVF multi-cycle programme with Access Fertility which gave us two fresh cycles and unlimited frozen cycles. The first two fresh cycles failed, and we discovered that I had cervical stenosis, a condition that meant my cervix closed after every period and which may have made it hard for me to get pregnant, even in my 20s or 30s. But we had two frozen embryos left and the first of those two was successful. Our son arrived a month before I turned 45.

My advice to other women regarding fertility at this age would be to try not to leave it too late if you do want to have children. I was naive about how significantly your chances are reduced once you’re in your 40s. However, I’m convinced that a healthy lifestyle - including sensible eating and good fitness levels - makes everything easier when it comes to conceiving and coping with nine months of pregnancy. I had an elective c-section and recovered quickly.

I believe I was treated differently compared to women giving birth before their 40s - but only in a positive way. I was closely monitored by a consultant at the hospital and had extra scans to check everything was okay with the baby. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at about 34 weeks, despite having a very healthy lifestyle, which was purely as a result of my age.

Having a child in my 40s has, in my opinion, also made me a better parent. Financially, we’re in a better position, which reduces a lot of stress and means I don’t have to work as many hours as I would if I was younger - allowing me to spend extra time with my son. I also believe I’m a more relaxed mum for being older too. Now he’s 21 months, it feels like the best decision I ever made, and I’m so glad my husband twisted my arm.

‘After years of feeling not good enough, I was in awe of my body’

Charlotte Gooch, 48, businesswoman based in London

I had always wanted children from an early age. My sister married her childhood boyfriend in her late 20s, and went on to have two children in her early 30s - both of whom I adore. Throughout my own 20s and 30s, I was enjoying a very successful career working in London and spending time in New York, and I just assumed I would eventually fulfill the ‘traditional fairytale’ of finding the ‘right man’ to settle down with and have kids.

However, I had an idea in my head that if I hadn’t found someone right by the age of 40 to start a family with, then I would try to have a baby on my own. In early 2015, I started doing some research and attended some seminars at the London Women’s Clinic, and also had a ‘fertility MOT’ to understand more about my options for becoming a single mother. I was told that while physically I was fine, my ovarian egg reserve was low, that it was likely IVF would be the best route and that I should ‘get a move on’ if I wanted to do it.

In tandem to this, I was reviewing my fitness routine, and joined Ultimate Performance London City in May 2015. I was clear with my trainer Dominik Szweda that I wanted to get strong and healthy in preparation for beginning IVF. I gave up alcohol, improved my nutrition and started a weight-based training programme. After a year, my muscle mass was up, my weight was down by 15kg and I felt great. In 2016 - just after my 40th birthday - I discussed my plans with my family and decided to go for it.

People don’t speak much about IVF, but it's a huge emotional and physical commitment. I used donor sperm from the London Sperm Bank, and selected a tall, sporty, music-loving lawyer. He included in his profile his belief that everyone should have a child if they wished. When it came to my egg retrieval - which I had gone to alone - I only got two eggs. It felt devastating, particularly because the woman in the next cubicle got 20 and I could hear her celebrating with her partner.

However, that one egg was fertilised and implanted, and a pregnancy test two weeks later revealed I was pregnant. I trained throughout this time, which went smoothly. My obstetrician advised me to have a c-section at 37 weeks, and my son was born in January 2017. I recovered well and six weeks later I was back at the gym, which I credit to having trained before and during pregnancy.

It’s a cliché, but knowledge is power, and I’d encourage other women to not only find out about their own fertility, but to ask themselves what they really want from life. If you truly want a baby, don’t wait for the right man or time. Another reflection I’ve had is how often I was reminded by healthcare professionals that I was 40 - I get that age is a factor in the process, but at a certain point it felt unhelpful and stigmatising. As though it was my fault for “leaving it too late” or being too career-focused to find a partner.

I tried to add to my family with four more rounds of IVF during lockdown, when I was 44, all of which were sadly unsuccessful. The failure to give my son a sibling still hurts me. Further still, being a mum is hard work - and doing it independently is even harder - while working full time and trying to stay healthy.

However, I feel super positive about giving birth in my 40s. I loved being pregnant - after years of stressing over my body not being good enough, I’m now frankly in awe of it. I was financially secure and established in my career to be able to create flexible opportunities for myself, and I also had the confidence and knowledge to better advocate for myself, which I don’t think I would have been able to do in my 30s.