10 top tips for less stressful family holidays with tweens, or teens, by an expert

Holidaying with teens is very different to what parents might be used to, not necessarily hard, just different and here's why...

I'm a teen and tween expert and have written many an article as GoodtoKnow's resident expert such as 4 ways to help your teen handle boredom over summer, and what to do if your teen never leaves their room.

A few years ago my family and I were on holiday in Mexico. We had saved hard to be able to book a hotel with a beautiful pool complex and I had imagined my children (all teenagers) playing in the pool together, all smiles as they bounced a beachball back and forwards, sipping on cool drinks around a table playing card games together and chatting about the books we’d been reading as we lay on our sun loungers. The reality was very different. Two of my boys barely left their room. They complained it was “too hot,” “too boring” and “the Wi-Fi around the pool was bad.” While I soaked up the Mexican sun, they spent days cooped up inside four walls bingeing on Netflix. I am not ashamed to admit I quickly ended up losing my temper and yelling “we’ve spent thousands of pounds on this holiday, why can’t you be more grateful?!.”

In a calmer moment I reasoned that while this was my dream holiday, it wasn’t theirs. I needed to stop projecting my idea of “a good time” onto them and I needed to drop the image I had of a ‘perfect family holiday.’ When I did this, everything was easier. Did they leave the room more? No, but we did have some lovely evenings together when the pressure was taken off in the daytime and we also went on some brilliant excursions which we all really enjoyed.

Resetting our expectations of family holidays is important, whether we’re talking about holidaying with babies and toddlers (which is invariably far from the much-needed rest and relaxation break you desperately need) or going away with tweens and teens. The pressure we place on everybody to be happy at all times and relishing each other’s company is immense and ultimately as the pressure and unreal expectations build, somebody will erupt, if it’s not them it will be you, or often both.

So, how can you have the most stress-free family holiday with tweens and teens, here are my top ten tips, as a well-seasoned mum of older children:

Ten top tips for less stressful family holidays

1. Do they really want to go?
2. Have they had a say in where you go?
3. Have you set expectations?
4. Will there be individual activities?
5. Try to avoid the screen detox
6. Don't pressure them to try local food
7. Ease up on the photos and videos
8. Don’t focus too much on ‘making memories’
9. Disagreements happen, try not to read too much into them
10. Take lots of deep breaths

1. Do they really want to go?

This is a tricky one, but if you have older teens, this is part of learning to ‘let go’ as they get older. The first family holiday where they decide to stay home (depending on their age and trustworthiness) or stay with friends or family instead, can feel a little heartbreaking for us as parents, but for them it’s an important step towards independence. Asking them if they would like to come with you is not only respectful but can avoid difficulties that may occur when you drag an unwilling young person with you who would rather be spending time at home with their friends or partners.

2. Have they had a say in where you go?

We do a lot of presuming when we plan family holidays. We presume that our tweens and teens will enjoy the destination and everything it has to offer, we plan day trips and activities and presume that they will enjoy them. If we asked them however we may find our presumptions and their reality are very different. While I thought my teens would love a Caribbean break, they actually much prefer being in a caravan on the English seaside.

3. Have you set expectations?

What will your days look like? What sort of time will you eat? What will happen in the evening? Where will everybody be sleeping? Having discussions and setting expectations well before you set off is key to avoiding many disagreements and difficulties. Inviting your tween or teen to be part of these decisions too helps them to feel more settled and excited.

4. Will there be individual activities?

While it may be tempting to view each day as time for family bonding, this holiday is for every member of your family and it’s OK for you all to spend time away from each other.

Holidays throw family members together for 24hrs a day every day when they usually only spend a handful of hours together on an average day at home. Spending all that time together can be tricky, and allowing each member the time and space to be alone and to pursue their own interests is an important way to make sure everybody is more relaxed.

5. Try to avoid the screen detox

While it may be temping to embrace a one- or two-week screen detox, the reality means that you are also separating your tween or teen from their friends and support network. Taking away a safe place for them to offload or keep up to date with what they are missing is not going to end well. Instead, before you go discuss how you will approach screentime so that it doesn’t take over your holiday but be realistic. It’s unlikely you will be screen free either, you’ll probably want to keep in touch with family, friends, and work, don’t expect your tween or teen to be better than you.

6. Don't pressure them to try local food

While it would be lovely for your tween or teen to embrace all the local cuisine and expand their palate, for some it is just a step too far. Taking away all of the reassuring normality of home all at once can leave them feeling anxious. Instead, leaving them to explore new foods with no pressure, while also embracing their need for chicken nuggets and ketchup is the safest and least pressure answer.

7. Ease up on the photos and videos

It’s natural you’ll want to record moments for prosperity, but there is nothing that will make a tween or teen angrier than having a camera in front of their face all the time. Taunts of “come on, smile!” will inevitably be met with rude gestures and hiding their face.

Asking your young person for their permission to take a photo, and explaining why it’s so important to you, is the best approach. Also, ask them to be in charge of taking photos and videos of you. Most mothers have very few family photos that include them, but these are perhaps the most important memories to make for your children.

8. Don’t focus too much on ‘making memories’

While we’re on holiday we can be sucked into the idea of needing to do big grand gestures and activities that we wouldn’t normally do at home in order to ‘make memories.’ These not only place pressure on our finances, but also on everybody’s wellbeing as they feel compelled to ‘have a good time,’ because they have cost so much money. In reality, it isn’t the big things that we remember when we’re older, it’s the little things, the things that cost very little but stay in our minds for a long time. That family picnic you had at the beach, the karaoke dad sang badly at, the game of beach volleyball you reluctantly joined in on with your children and the time you all laughed at one of you mispronouncing something in the local language and nobody could understand you.

9. Disagreements happen, try not to read too much into them

When you’re all thrown into each other’s company there are going to be disagreements and squabbles, especially between siblings. This is normal. Instead of trying to force everybody to be happy all the time, embrace all of the emotions and don’t read anything into them.

10. Take lots of deep breaths

Raising tweens and teens can be testing even on the easiest of days when we’re in our own homes. Add in everything that a holiday brings, especially ones involving jet lag, and you’re going to need to take a lot of deep breaths in order to stay calm. Keep reminding yourself that it’s OK that your holiday doesn’t look like one of the heavily edited reels parenting influencers post online. Real holidays look very different and that’s OK.

While these tips may seem a little negative, if you take a few of them to heart they really will help you to have an easier, more enjoyable holiday. I’ve learned a lot since our Mexico trip and holidays with my teens and young adults have now become some of my most treasured memories. I’m sure they will for you too.

If you're looking forward to planning family holidays take a look out our Worried about school fines? piece, it's helpful and informative. Read on for expert tips on how to make ends meet over school holidays, and things to do with kids that don't break the bank.