Learning to think before you speak helps you to express yourself better. Besides improving your communication skills, it stops you saying things you might come to regret.
If you’ve ever shared an embarrassing story about yourself or someone else or said something mean in the heat of the moment, you’ll know how easy it is to say things you wish you could take back. Research shows this is more likely to happen during an argument because our brains release chemicals when we’re stressed or upset that make it hard to manage our emotions. This can lead us to say and do things we regret. Thinking carefully before you speak gives you time to consider your words and the effect they’ll have before saying them out loud.
Whether you’re talking face-to-face or sharing something online, it’s hard to take something back once you’ve said it. Pausing before you speak (or press “send” if you’re online) gives you the chance to choose your words carefully. It also helps you stay true to your values. Saying something unkind, for example, can hurt someone else’s feelings and make you feel guilty or embarrassed later.
Henry Ortiz is a psychologist (an expert in thoughts and feelings) who says an angry argument is like a game of tug of war. “The harder you pull your end of the rope, the more the other person resists you,” he explains. So speaking when your mind feels clear and calm helps you communicate your views and ideas more clearly.
Learn to think first
If you have something important to say, try to be aware of your mood before speaking. When you are angry you are more likely to say or send something hurtful, so Ortiz recommends waiting until you feel more calm.
If you get annoyed or upset in the middle of a conversation, communications expert Brad Bushman suggests taking a break until you feel more level-headed. “My grandma used to tell me that before you say or do anything [while you are angry], you should count to 10 before you respond” he says.
Think first to choose the right words
- True: Is what you’re saying true or just a rumour?
- Helpful: Are you giving advice or helping others?
- Inspiring: Are your words encouraging or uplifting?
- Necessary: Is there a better time to share your thoughts?
- Kind: Are your words kind?
Use the five senses game to calm down before speaking. Say in your head or out loud five things you can see; four things you can touch; three things you can hear; two things you can smell; and one thing you can taste. Take a breath in between everything you name.
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This feature was originally published in June 2024 in The Week Junior, which is also owned by Future Publishing.
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