11 things you should never, EVER say to a new mum

Tact. It seems to go completely AWOL when there's a new baby in the room. After making it through some kind of hellish labour, you'd think people would have nothing but praise for you and your beautiful bundle of joy. But where there's a newborn there's almost always an army of women waiting in the wings with opinions as big as their gobs.

We round up the things that you should absolutely NEVER, under any circumstances, say to a new mum.

1. 'Oh, what a beautiful baby boy!'

I'm sorry, is there something wrong with your eyes? Can you not see the very deliberately-placed bow on top of my DAUGHTER'S head?

2.'Ah, I see you're not breastfeeding?'

No. No I'm not as you have so cleverly deduced from the bottle in my baby's mouth. What's that you say? Breast is best? Perhaps you'd like a little look at my sore, swollen, bleeding nipples?

3.'Is someone gwumpy because they want some milky from their mummy?'

No. Someone is grumpy because you are speaking in that unbelievably irritating voice.

4. 'Are you supporting her head properly?'

  Yes thank you mother/mother-in-law. I am well aware of how to hold my own baby.

5.'What an unusual name'

Code for: 'I hate it.'

6.'Isn't labour a magical experience?'

Magical? I think you and Paul Daniels need to have a little sit down and define 'magical'.

7.'Maybe he's hungry?'

Thank heavens you're here! If it wasn't for you, oh-so-helpful stranger, I would literally never have even considered the possibility that he might need feeding.

8. You look tired'

  Do I? Hahahaha ha hahahaha ha.

9. 'Why's she wearing a hat inside?'

Because she's got a weird, forceps, alien cone-head, alright?

10.'When's it due?'

Have you met my THREE MONTH OLD baby?

11.'Aww doesn't she look just like her dad'

I've just been through 73 hours of labour. WHAT THE %!*% HAS HE DONE?!

Where to next?