With the line between home and the workplace becoming increasingly blurred, is it time we finally ditch the idea of work-life balance and focus on something more realistic?
At a time when three in four mums with dependent children are working in the UK, striving for work-life balance feels like a massive group project that we’re all trying to score top marks on.
What our writer learned
Trying to squeeze parenting around a full-time 9-5 was a big part of the reason I decided to quit my job and go freelance this year. I thought I’d instantly feel the benefit of having more control over my time, but I soon realised that life felt just as full on as it did when I was employed! I’ve no idea how I was able to manage everything I have going on at home while being a full-time employee. It made me realise that the work-life juggle is bound to be challenging for all of us, regardless of whether or not we’re working, or the amount of hours we’re clocking.
Despite the harsh reality of matrescence (the process of becoming a mother) proving otherwise, the idea that we can achieve work-life balance is still bandied about like it’s an easily achievable goal.
Add term time breaks to the mix and you could find yourself pushed to the brink, attempting to suppress a fit of mum rage while desperately trying to stay on top of the school holiday hustle. Though let’s hope not.
It’s no wonder 60% of working mums said they’d prefer to work fewer hours in favour of spending more time with their children. Or that 249,124 mothers with children aged four or under have left the workforce because of a lack of childcare support from their employer.
It’s about time we slow our pace and let go of the idea of work-life balance for good. Instead, we’re looking at how the work-life juggle can help us to live a little more meaningfully, one day at a time.
The work/life balance myth
Cambridge Dictionary defines work-life balance as ‘the amount of time you spend doing your job compared with the amount of time you spend with your family and doing things you enjoy’. With working women typically taking on most of the cleaning and childcare responsibilities in the home, the idea of work-life balance is often attached to mums by default.
This likely dates back to the 1980s when it’s thought the term was first coined, however, life for working mums looks very different today than it did in decades past. “Work-life balance is harder to maintain than ever, because work hours look very different to how they did a generation ago where you’d leave your computer at work,” says Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist, mum of three and bestselling author.
“We didn't have mobiles. Things were so much more boundaried between work and home, so there was a real stepping away from work. Now, with the flexibility that digital life offers us, the boundaries are so blurred. And unless we have a lot of discipline — which is really hard to do when you're tired, overwhelmed and stressed — it's so much harder to hold boundaries.”
Even with a set of rigid protocols in place, circumstances outside your control can easily burst your work-life bubble, leaving you with no recourse to a convenient solution. Mum of two, Zoe, learned this the hard way when she moved back home to Edinburgh from London.
“One thing we’ve found surprising is that we can’t get our oldest into an after-school club. There’s just no availability which means we have to work around it. If my husband can pick her up at 3pm then he has to do a couple of hours of work after the kids go to sleep, which takes away the possibility of having an evening.”
What needs to change and how
We all live unique lives, meaning there’s no one size fits all solution, and the answer will differ depending on who you ask. Remember when we spoke about aiming for the work-life juggle over work-life balance? Kelly Taylor, a working mum of two who you may know on social media as Kids and the Commute suggests mentally overhauling the idea of ‘balance’ to better suit the needs of yourself and your family.
“When we think about balance, we think about some kind of 50/50 split. I don't think that exists, or at least I've never experienced it. For me, every day is different — sometimes it's more work focused, and other times it's more parent focused.
“You have to be honest with yourself about what you're taking on and also what you are physically capable of doing. I know that a lot of times when I got burnt out, it was directly connected to times when I was trying to be everything to everyone all at the time, and you simply can't. You've got to pick a lane which I know isn't always a popular opinion.”
Anna suggests that one of the first crucial steps is to stand firm on the dos and don’ts that will help you get the most out of your day. “Where are your boundaries?,’ she asks. “Are you just ploughing them down all the time, despite the fact you said you weren't going to check emails after 5pm? It’s always worth reassessing and addressing this, because that's what helps you reassert boundaries and also evaluate your relationships. You might start to notice, ‘Actually I'm quite lonely and I’m not seeing friends as much anymore’.
“Way too much is asked of us all of the time"
Kelly Taylor
“Another important thing to remember is that how you start your morning really sets the tone for the day. If you’re waking up, rolling over and checking your emails, your head is then at work. So every time you do something work related, imagine that you're literally stepping into an office, because that is what is happening mentally, regardless of where you are physically.”
For mum of two Michelle, being strict with boundaries has been transformational in allowing her to manage the juggle. “I try to make sure that when I’m home with the kids my laptop is off. If I have work to do then I’ll wait until they go to sleep. If I’m working from home with them I’ll set activities for them and take regular breaks during the day. Sometimes it means taking a two-hour lunch instead of one hour and then maybe making the time up later. My manager is very chill and understanding!”
No doubt it’ll take time for you to ease into a routine that works for you and your family, so while you’re figuring things out remember to give yourself some grace. The chances are you’ve got too much on your plate, and you’re trying your best to figure it out, which is something that so many mums can relate to.
“Way too much is asked of us all of the time, and it doesn't mean that if you're finding it hard at the beginning you will always find it hard,” says Kelly. “You've got to take the pressure off yourself and be realistic about what you're able to do in that particular moment."
The early years of motherhood can feel the hardest, remember you're not alone if you hate playing with your kid, struggle with toy rotation or if you don't want mum friends.... you do you. And know that no matter your choices or style, we promise you're not alone in it.
Anna Mathur is a mum of three, psychotherapist and bestselling author. She's passionate about taking therapy out of the therapy room and sharing her own personal and professional experiences to support mums through motherhood. Psychoeducation is a big passion of Anna’s as she believes that knowing yourself and understanding your thoughts and feelings is a huge part of enabling change.
Kelly Taylor (aka Kids and the Commute) is a content creator and full time personal assistant, chef, taxi driver, therapist, stylist and cleaner to her two fabulous daughters aged six and eight. For 20 years she worked in advertising and for 12 years, headed up a branded content team at BBC Studios and then, on finding out she had a knack for finding the funny amongst the ridiculousness of parenting, switched to content creating full time. She now has a following of over 100K.
