Santa's 'naughty and nice' list has been used for generations as a strategy to get children to behave, but it might be time to leave that trick behind.
A lot of adults might remember hearing, as kids, how Santa Claus struck them from his nice list. This was usually followed with threats of no presents if they stayed on his naughty list, in a bid to change behaviour. Many parents hand out these threats in the same way they dole out Quality Street sweets.
Editor's note
Disclaimer: This isn't about shaming anyone who uses the 'be a good boy/girl, or you won't get any presents' strategy, we only do what we know, until we know better. This is about sharing the knowledge, experience and research that's out there to help make different - not better, just different - decisions than the parenting style we had.
However, parenting styles have evolved in recent years, from those trying gentle parenting to those reaping the benefits of therapeutic parenting. Within this change is a shift in the narrative - difficult behaviour is being managed differently - it's about connection, not correction.
Both parents and experts are realising that threatening children with a 'naughty and nice' list to alter behaviour, has no place in modern parenting. Behavioural Change Psychotherapist Alicia Eaton, tells us; "There’s a simple trick to getting your kids to do more of what you want them to. And it starts with understanding the effect that your words have on their behaviour." Let's begin the conversation about how to positively manage children, and ditch the 'naughty and nice' trope.
Santa's 'naughty and nice' list
I can remember being told in the run-up to Christmas as a kid, that if I didn't do what I'd been asked fast enough, Santa wouldn't be leaving me presents. My parents insisted my name would be added to the naughty list, leaving me rushing to do what had been asked or being immediately quiet and submissive. Everyone's parents partook in this festive psychological warfare back then, it was just what happened.
When I had my children, it was immediately apparent my oldest child would be highly sensitive. I was also a sensitive child who easily responded to the 'naughty and nice' threat because I hated being in trouble, but my son is an even more extreme version of that. I knew his face would crumple and he'd ruminate for days about being 'naughty,' and I decided not to pass that strategy down to the next generation.
"Couch your sentences in positive terms," she added, "Stay away from negative words."
Alicia Eaton, Psychotherapist
It appears I'm not alone. Parenting coach Chazz Lewis, known to thousands of followers on Instagram as @mrchazz, recently condemned the use of the behaviour strategy as "Misguided at best and manipulative at worst." Many of his followers commented to share enthusiastic agreement with him, as he advised why he felt so strongly about the naughty and nice debate.
"The amount of presents a child gets is not based on their morality it's based on the wealth of their family," he added. The coach goes on to say, "No judgment to you if you've been doing this, when you know better you have an opportunity to do better. This is your chance"
The parenting coach also posts about a very interesting video of a glum Santa sitting on the rooftop, utterly despondent with himself for creating the 'naughty and nice' concept. "As if some kids don't have enough to worry about, without me judging them without context," he says at one point. See below.
Thought provokingly, glum Santa adds "Reducing these growing, very intricate beings to some binary code of this, or that. Did I already condemn every kid who already felt like a misfit toy?"
Psychotherapist Alicia Eaton, explained to us why using threats such as being added to the naughty list won't work, and what to do instead. She emphasises the importance of asking children to do exactly what you do want them to do, rather than telling them to stop doing something you don’t want them to do.
She explained "As each of us thinks and speaks, our minds create images in response to those words – they often flash through our minds so quickly, that we might not be aware that this happens. But it's important to note that we all naturally respond to those images as if they're a command on what to do next."
"Couch your sentences in positive terms," she added, "Staying away from any negative words." Instead of telling children not to be messy, she asserts telling them "Let's leave the room tidy." Instead of the pessimistic connotations children will associate with being put on a naughty list, there are more emotionally supportive ways to change their behaviour.
"Always say what you DO want," Alicia concludes, "Remember your words are creating pictures in the mind and your child will magnetically respond to these. Avoid telling them to ‘stop’ or ‘not do’ something."
Instilling respectful boundaries is a year-round thing, calling Father Christmas for behavioural backup one month a year only does two things, it undermines you as a parent and it can be harmful to your little one's mental health and childhood memories. Other child psychology experts who explain boundary setting and share examples of good language to use are Dr Martha, Dr Becky Good Inside and Dr Siggie. You are the expert on your child, these are just the helpful research and guidance on how to implement new parenting strategies, but only if you think they'll work for you and yours. Give them a click-and-see.
Alicia Eaton is the creator of the 'Think Well & Live Better' online learning school and an expert at helping people change unwanted habits and behaviours and improve their emotional wellbeing. A qualified psychotherapist who also trained in hypnotherapy and NLP, she has run a successful practice in London's Harley Street for 20 years helping both adults and children. She is author of the best selling book ‘Stop Bedwetting in 7 Days’ first published in 2009 and it’s recommended by NHS clinics here in the UK and indeed, all around the world.
She's been voted a WINNER in the Global Health & Pharma Mental Health Awards 2023 for the 'Most Innovative Emotional Wellbeing Practitioner'.
She's also the author of four best-selling books: ‘Stop Bedwetting in 7 Days’ was first published in 2009 and is regularly recommended by NHS clinics in the UK and paediatricians and hospitals around the world. Her latest book ‘First Aid for your Child’s Mind’ has also become a global best-seller.
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