Mums who ghost other mums: aren't we old enough to know better?

I had this notion that ghosting was a thing that wouldn’t happen between 'mum friends' but I'm hearing more and more stories of mums ghosting other mums, so I asked life design strategist Georgie Shears for tips on what to do if the g-word happens to you. 

I've never really understood why people ghost each other and I guess I thought we were too old for behaviour that belongs in the playground. But during a recent chat in the GoodtoKnow office, I learned that several of us have experienced being ghosted at the school gates or when friends became parents. Ghosting, it seems, isn’t something that stops just because people are old enough to know better.

Ghosting, according to a Psychology Today definition, is ‘abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation’ and while the phrase originally referred to romantic relationships, it is increasingly applied to friendships and even workplace dynamics where potential employers or clients vanish without trace.

'It's really common for friendships to change, especially ones created during intense periods like maternity leave or new parenthood, when our lives evolve,' says Georgie Shears. When one mum goes back to work and the other stays home, it can feel like you're being ghosted, and that can really hurt.'

That's exactly what happened to mum of two, Alice, who was ghosted by a friend she originally met at antenatal classes. Six years on, she admits to still feeling devastated by the experience. 'I sat next to her at my first antenatal class and we hit it off straight away, then made a beeline for each other at every subsequent class and she was the first visitor when my baby arrived,’ Alice explains. ‘We spent 2 or 3 days together every week during maternity leave, then both got pregnant for the second time at similar times and had our second maternity leave together too. Our first post-baby nights out were with each other, and we sent one another hilarious memes at all hours of the night. Still finding my feet in a relatively new city, she was the best friend I'd really missed since moving to a new place. I even asked her to be godmother to my second child, which she cried with happiness about.’

Ghosting hurts because there's no closure

But when Alice’s eldest child started school, her baby class bestie went back to work full-time. ‘It was obvious we'd see less of each other, but we kept our evenings out going. Then she suddenly stopped replying to my messages and started cancelling plans. Her job was extremely busy and stressful so I put it down to that,’ Alice adds. ‘Next, she stopped interacting with anything I put on social media when she had always been the first to comment. It dawned on me she was distancing herself from me and I had no idea why.’

Alice continued sending messages and cards for her friend’s birthday and those of her children but never heard anything back. ‘And that was it - I've now not seen or heard from her in six years,’ she adds. ‘She was quite pragmatic and I'm quite emotional. She often spoke of her friends from 'before' kids. I think she just viewed me as a 'maternity leave mate' and not a long-term friend and maybe didn't want or need any extra friends in her life once she returned to her 'old life,' whereas I was a bit at sea and needed to make new friends as I'd started over somewhere new. That's just a guess though, and it could've been something I did - I'll never know.'

It’s ok to grieve the relationship

One of the most surprising things about being ghosted by a friend is just how much it hurts. It’s usually a shock when a relationship is terminated abruptly and without explanation, but the shock can be compounded by a sense of loss or rejection that you might feel unprepared for. It’s normal, and it can help to remember that these are healthy signs that demonstrate how much relationships matter to you. You’re not at fault for caring when one ends without consultation and with no chance to put things right.

It's also worth noting that we only ever see things from our perspective, adds Georgie Shears. 'When we are ghosted we immediately create our own stories around what has happened, usually based on our history, our own flick book of memories and experiences; the things we have seen, felt, heard, been through in our own lives,' she explains. 'Of course, this narrative might be nothing at all to do with the reason the other person has seemingly ghosted you. Nobody ever knows what is really going on in somebody else’s life. And that person will likely have created their own narrative too.' 

Being ghosted is never usually about you

It's natural to wonder if you did something wrong but, Georgie explains, being ghosted is usually about the ghoster. 'We imagine the worst, but often, it’s not about us at all,' she says. 'Your ‘friend’ might be feeling overwhelmed by the new demands of returning to work and the guilt or stress that comes with it - she might think you’ll understand that and she’ll be in touch when time and mental capacity allows, without worrying you’ll be worried at all.'

Sarah, a journalist whose pregnant friend ghosted her once her baby was born, accepted that parenthood would change their relationship and was initially willing to invest time in trying to re-establish the friendship. ‘I was ghosted by a friend of mine when she became a mum, and the bizarre part was that she sort of gave me a heads up first,’ Sarah explains. 

‘While pregnant, she told me that once the baby was born, she would be hanging out more with her mum friends, (which I had no problem with at all - I understand how important it is for new mums to have a solid support network) and less with her childless friends, including me,’ Sarah explains. ‘While the delivery was blunt, I was understanding that our friendship would change once kids came into the picture - my best friend is a mum of two and while her priorities have obviously changed, our friendship hasn’t. Sadly, this friend remained true to her word, even as her children grew up.’

Sarah tried to re-establish the friendship for a couple of years, attending birthday parties for her friend’s children. ‘But after a while, I started to feel resentful that the only time my friend seemed to want to connect was when I was obligated to bring a gift,’ she adds. ‘The final straw was when she saw me out and about with a new boyfriend a few times and never mentioned it - I just felt like she classed me as a second-class citizen because I didn’t have kids.’

'Ghosting can feel so painful if you're on the receiving end. We might experience a range of emotions in response, such as grief, anger and sadness,' says Helen Jane Campbell, a coach who specialises in working with creatives. 'Practicing self-compassion and good self-care can help us to navigate the discomfort and emotions around being ghosted. The nature of social media and texting means we can (if we want to) track whether someone has read a message, for example, or see their holiday snaps in real-time. And this might make their lack of response feel jarring. Let's take a step back though, to reflect on whether we need to be in such constant contact.'

Helen Jane makes another interesting point which is that our expectations of someone's level of contact night not match what's reasonable for them during a particular season of their lives. 'It's important to remember that not everyone tops up their batteries by being connected,' she says. 'More introverted people can find constant social communications overwhelming and may find it hard to say they need a break. While ghosting can feel painful for the recipient, allowing the other person to take the space and time they need can be the kindest response.'

'Be kind to yourself and try not to take it personally,' agrees Georgie Shears. 'Offer support without expecting anything in return. Send a message to check in, not to pressure, not anything that needs a reply. This is about doing what feels right for you - knowing that you’ve reached out with empathy and understanding will leave you feeling good and that energy will lift you up.'

Ultimately, however, it's ok to let go and move on if you feel you've been ghosted by a friend. 'Remember, friendships can and will ebb and flow throughout your life. It’s normal and part of the rich tapestry of life-long learning and growth; but the memories and bonds you created during this time, won’t ever disappear. They are here to stay,' says Georgie. 'Every single friendship in our lives serves a purpose one way or another, in the different seasons of our lives, and it’s okay if those seasons change. Cherish the good times, and keep moving forward with an open heart. There are so many more precious relationships yet to come.'

For more on relationships, check out The 'strongest' marriages are made they don't just happen or Psychologist shares 6 signs you've found your soulmate. Or to delve into friendships between mums, read I didn't want mum friends, it's now 13 years later and I have no regretsor My child is going to secondary school and I’m worried about losing my primary school mum friends.