"I just burst into tears and said ‘I can’t do it all’…" Influencer Louise Boyce on life as the default parent

Louise Boyce is a mum of three (Basil, 11, Sonny, 8, and daughter Inca, 4), an author, and a successful model and influencer. She's just remodelled a house, sent her firstborn to senior school, hosted a book launch, and learned to ski - to say her plate is full is an understatement... and all while being the default parent.

Here at GoodToKnow we are more than aware of the pressure being the default parent brings - the one who researches the importance of helping a child use their voice, receives all the school emails, makes all the appointments, keeps on top of the family planner, schedules play dates, sorts food menus, breaks up arguments, the list really is endless. All this while also trying to work out how to explain the mental load to your partner and still (it can take years) navigating matresence - building a relationship with the new you now that you're a mum. And Louise gets it too, she tells us; "Yes I am the default parent. A classic example of this was when I was away working in Miami. My son asked Alexa ‘call mum’ then asked me if he could have a snack. My husband (their father) was in the next room. I don’t mind being the default parent, but at times it’s tough. I can’t remember the last time I had uninterrupted time in the bathroom."

We got some time with Louise to talk all about her book, Mama Still Got It! (Amazon, £9.99), being the default parent, her 'life-saving' kid product she can't live without, and the one quality all parents need to survive.

Louise Boyce Q&A with GoodToKnow

What kind of parent are you? Describe your Parenting style
Respectful, loving, and fair. Both my husband and I like to practice ‘gentle parenting’, however, if the kids continue to not listen or mess around, we let them know we’ll have to raise our voices if they don’t listen to what we’re asking. A warning that we’re about to lose our temper. Most of the time this works - however of course there are times when tempers are lost and then the kids listen. It’s the final resort but the kids need to know we are in charge and they need to respect us as much as we respect them. When tempers have calmed down I then explain to them why I raised my voice.  

We know you're the default parent, if you weren't how would you spend your time?
I’d take 45 minutes every time I went to the loo.  

What qualities do you think you have as a default parent?
PATIENCE!

How do you deal with the mental load?
I love a list. And I also work really well under pressure so in a way the heavier the load the better I am. Is this weird? This year I also took on the role of class rep for my daughter’s class too, just to add some more mental load. I like to be busy! 

Have you spoken to your other half about the mental load? What was his reaction?
Yes - and it shocked him. It was over a passive-aggressive text message. He messaged me saying a few things he had done in the week (and wanted a medal for it), so I rolled off a list as long as my arm that I had done in a day. He replied saying ‘I appreciate you’. Hurrah. Though I'm not entirely sure he knows what it is... I'd like to think he does but....

Can you remember the low moment that prompted you to share the mental load?
I burst into tears and said ‘I can’t do it all’… It was around the time when I was writing my book, building a house, having three kids, and taking on extra work to help finance the house. I snapped and felt riddled with anxiety. I think because I take on so much and don’t ask for help Jesse thinks I’m ok - and most of the time I am. As soon as I ask for more help he helps me - and I always wonder why I don’t ask more often. 

What's your go-to signal to your other half that you need extra help with the kids/at home?
I’ll probably explode because I don’t ask for help and assume Jesse can read my mind, but of course, he can’t. I need to get better at asking for more help but at the same time feel like I shouldn’t need to ask.

What reaction do you get from the kids if you say 'ask your dad'?
Generally, if I tell the kids to ask their dad Jesse will say ‘ask your mum’, so then we’re in this weird ongoing circle of never-ending asking. I think it goes back to being the default parent. However, when I’m away working all the kids and Jesse club together and have a rule ’no mum, no rules’. It’s just a way for the kids to enjoy me being away! The rules are still very much in place... or at least I think they are.

How do you get some ‘me’ time?
I’m lucky that with my work I get to travel solo. When I sit on a plane or train alone, I lap it up! Saying that - with this alone time I then spend way too long looking at photos of them on my phone missing them. When I’m not working I make sure I have some time at David Lloyd - I love a yoga class or to sit in the spa. A group of mum friends and I sometimes head to the spa on a Sunday evening and it’s a lovely time to unwind and mentally prepare you for the week ahead. 

Does family life plod along happily when you can't be at home or do you - as the default parent - have to set a lot up?
Since Covid, my husband Jesse can work from home much more which has been incredible for me and my work, and for this I am so grateful.  When I can’t do pick-up, Jesse can do it and he’s very capable of becoming the default parent when I’m away. I do remind him if there is a PE day or art club after school, and I get all the clothes ready and make sure there is food in the fridge… just in case. We FaceTime when I’m away, but the kids are all very happy and prefer to hang up the call before I’m ready.

Sleep is a big thing in parenting - what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned when it comes to your kids' sleep routine?
In the early years, I learned that telling my friends and family that my baby slept through the night automatically meant they wouldn’t do it again for about 6 months. So I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut! And I have also learned that patience is a testing exercise when toddlers can climb out of their beds. Finally, as much as it’s annoying when your kids ask for another cuddle when you’re about to walk out of their bedroom in the evening, lap it up, because before you know it, you’ll have an 11-year-old who thinks it’s embarrassing to hug you (even in the privacy of your own home!). 

What’s your life-saving product that gets them to sleep?
Tonies story boxes are great after I’ve read them a story. They like to fall asleep listening to an audiobook and my daughter loves her cuddly toy called ‘Bubsey’. It plays very calming music or white noise and has beautiful stars that project onto the ceiling. These have worked really well for us.

We have oodles more advice and tips that might help you to navigate life as a parent, take a look at our articles on the one phrase that saved my marriage and helped ease the mental load, feeling disconnected from your partner after having a baby, and at psychotherapist Anna Mathur's article on how mums can often feel 'not good enough'