I've de-registered my teen from school and you'll probably understand why

Your child refusing to go to school could be connected to intense emotions rather than being decision-based, which means getting them to school isn't as simple as some might think, right?

I’m Carly, Social Media Editor for GoodtoKnow, and a Mum of 3. This year I made a heart-breaking decision to deregister my eldest from secondary school, only six months after starting.

The reason? Emotional Based School Avoidance, or EBSA for short. Education expert Dr Britto wrote an EBSA article for us earlier this year, she shared how most parents want to see their children skipping into school, so they can ultimately get through life and be happy, but that when a child is clearly struggling with going in each day, it can leave the adults at a loss with what to do to help.

I felt this deeply; there are just so many layers to EBSA, some of which I still don’t fully know how to peel off and address. Mostly due to associated stigma, unhelpful comments from other parents, a sense of grief about what should have been, and frustrations with a system that isn’t equipped to help parents of EBSA children to the extent it needs to.

Why was my teen avoiding school?

According to the government statistics published in March 2024, 20.3% of children in the UK are reported to be persistently absent from school. It would be easy to think it’s because of lockdowns, or that parenting has become ‘soft’ (a judgement I have inadvertently experienced), yet in reality, as the world becomes more aware, it’s because we are finally listening to what our children need.

And once you realise, there’s no going back or carrying on regardless – no matter how easy others make it sound. This is my experience with Emotional Based School Avoidance…

My eldest has always been quite the solitary child, even in reception. She would happily sit on her own during break times, something which would continue throughout her primary school years. Fast forward to around year 4/ 5 however, and the masking she was no doubt hiding began to surface. Angry outbursts for one, mostly after school had finished, and something completely new yet equally – if not more – difficult to manage; school ‘refusal’. Or, a more apt description, school avoidance.

PE seemed to be the main trigger, then along came mandatory swimming lessons and it reached a whole new level. If I managed to talk her into taking the journey to school, I soon learned that it did not necessarily lead to school attendance success. There were still two hurdles to get over, and either one could topple the mission at any time;

1) Getting her out of the car, or 2) - if stage 1 was a success – getting her into the school itself, both of which often resulted in my daughter back in the car being driven back to her safe space i.e home.

No matter how much communication was had with the school, and how many ‘adaptations’ (I say this term loosely) were made – the school’s hands still ended up being tied as swimming was “part of the curriculum”. Even if them saying she had to go swimming resulted in school avoidance, it was still a non-negotiable. Until a doctor's note was obtained stating that she was not to go swimming, proving that parents can still hold power when needed.

This helped, although there was still avoidance on some days. We made it to the end of primary school, with the usual leavers’ tears shed by myself and my daughter, yet - with them – there was a sense of hope that the next chapter would be different.

Which lasted a whole four days from the day she started year 7, leading to two weeks of avoidance, then several weeks back in due to having external support finally in place. This had been a fight in itself after the school declared that ‘all year 7’s struggle in the first week’ when I raised serious SEN concerns just 2 days in, plus they would not initially add her to the SEN register due to her ASD being undiagnosed (yet very much present); with a diagnosis not being possible due to her primary school declaring that no struggles existed after they first referred (you couldn’t write it, oh ha I just did).

Secondary school finally made adjustments the best they could; fast forward by several weeks when the external support ended however, and she was off again. Despite school trying various, ineffective techniques such as telling us to “‘just get her in”- something which seemed to work until she became inconsolable once there, yet school were pushing for myself and her dad to leave (we didn’t, she was taken home).

As frustrated as her dad and I felt, it became clear that this was not just refusal; it was a cry for help. She had gone from a school of just 100 pupils, to a school of 1000, and it was too much. The noise, the hustle and bustle, the sensory demands, the social expectations, plus the overwhelm of homework which ‘could not’ be reduced. An extra frustration in this is that my daughter is extremely clever- classed as ‘hyper-intelligent’ by a professor during an assessment, yet the volume and pressure led to avoidance.

Pointers and questions to consider if you are experiencing EBSA:

1. If your child refuses school, it will more than likely go much deeper than others may suggest. While there is a long way to got before the support that’s needed is in place, it’s still worthwhile getting support via your GP and your child’s school who will need to refer
   
2. If you know other parents whose child avoids school, how can you support them (without any judgement)? A listening ear, a cuppa and/ or a hug might be just what they need. Trust me, they will need all three more than you think.

We are now attempting part-time homeschooling, along with tutoring in core subjects, while we navigate a more long-term solution.

It’s felt like an impossible situation, but the more I learn about EBSA- and the more parents I speak to who experience it - the more I understand we are not alone, and that we are simply doing the best for our children. The pay off? I no longer have to watch my firstborn walk into school looking defeated and broken. If EBSA affects your child, and you as a parent as a result, you are not alone 💚

We have lots more school content, check out Teachers reveal the best ways to get your children back-to-school ready – and why you should never pack their bags for them and Confessions from parents about what they’re most looking forward to once the kids go back to school as well as tips for how to support your child on A-level exam results day, we've got it all covered.