Divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences anyone can go through. It’s a time of immense upheaval, marked by feelings of loss, fear, and uncertainty about the future—especially when children are involved.
While the path to healing can feel overwhelming, it's important to remember that you’re not alone in facing these challenges. We’ve spoken to relationship and life coaches who share their expert advice on overcoming life's hurdles, including divorce, establishing co-parenting boundaries, and creating a new, fulfilling chapter for yourself and your family, whatever your reason for divorce.
We've also got tips on what to do if you still feel love for your partner and where to find help if you're struggling to move on.
How to move on after a divorce
- Accept that fear and pain are a part of the process
- Embrace co-parenting with a positive mindset
- Set clear boundaries
- Create a new chapter for yourself
We’ve spoken to three relationship and life coach experts to discover ways in which you can move on after your divorce. Here is their advice:
1. Accept that fear and pain are a part of the process
Divorce triggers deep fears about the future, being alone, and how your children might react to the separation, but it’s a necessary part of the process and not something to be ignored or tucked away, according to dating and relationship coach Claire Dore. “Divorce activates a lot of core wounds, especially if you have children,” says Claire.
Relationship coach Jessica Stephenson Clark agrees. “Children are a constant reminder of that 'former' life and the family dynamic which has now shifted. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to moving forward from a divorce but it is vital to allow yourself to experience the wide range of emotions that come with it, rather than pretending to be okay.”
Claire’s advice is to switch the lens if you can. Acknowledge the fear and the pain, but don’t let them control your ability to move on. Accepting these emotions is a step toward growth and empowerment. As Claire points out, divorce can be "a life-altering and awakening experience if you choose to see it this way."
2. Embrace co-parenting with a positive mindset
Even though it may be hard, co-parenting requires ongoing communication with your ex, which can complicate the healing process. Katia Vlachos, a reinvention coach and the author of Uncaged: A Good Girl's Journey to Reinvention, acknowledges that "being in contact with your ex-partner is unavoidable" due to decisions about the kids, but the key is to shift your focus to what you can control. “What helps is to accept that fact and shift your focus and energy on what you can control,” says Katia. She has some great questions to ask yourself about how you want to co-parent that will help you “show up in that new version of your relationship.”
Do you want to:
- Create a respectful, cooperative co-parenting relationship?
- Model healthy conflict resolution for your children?
- Prioritise your children's needs while also taking care of yourself?
3. Set clear boundaries
Setting clear boundaries with your ex after divorce is crucial for maintaining your emotional health and creating a foundation for personal growth. After a divorce, emotions are often still raw, and without boundaries, interactions with your ex can quickly become overwhelming, confusing, or conflict-ridden. According to Katia, boundaries help prevent old wounds from being reopened and keep you focused on healing and moving forward. “Decisions need to be made about schooling, healthcare, holidays, extracurricular activities and day-to-day logistics,” she says. “This is not ideal when you often want to get as much distance as possible so you can heal and move on. But it is a fact. So establishing clear boundaries will help to protect your emotional well-being.”
4. Create a new chapter for yourself
Moving on after divorce isn’t about forgetting your relationship or wishing it never happened. Instead, it’s about embracing the opportunity to build a new and better future for yourself and your children. The past will always be part of your story, but it doesn't have to define your future. As Katia says, "Moving on doesn't mean erasing your past. It means creating a new chapter where you and your children can thrive."
This new chapter is your chance to rediscover yourself, redefine your goals, and foster a sense of independence. While the divorce may feel like the closing of a door, it also opens up a world of possibilities for personal growth, self-compassion, and deeper relationships with your children.
Does divorce pain ever go away?
While it might feel as if you’ll never get over the end of your marriage or long-term partnership, most people do eventually experience a reduction in divorce pain. But it can take time and some work on your part to help yourself heal.
"Even if you initiated the divorce, there’s a cycle of grief almost everyone experiences post-separation,” says Katia. “It mirrors the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The pain does eventually subside, but only as long as you’re willing to go through that cycle and come out on the other side. This means that you allow yourself to feel all these emotions without judgement.”
Research, such as this 2017 Canadian study, has suggested that negative emotional feelings during the marriage can exacerbate divorce pain after the separation (no surprise there). However, the same research found that addressing underlying emotional and mental health problems during the marriage and the divorce can help with long-term emotional recovery. So, if you’re still feeling hugely affected by your divorce months or even years afterwards, it’s a good idea to seek counselling or therapy, which can help you unpack what happened, process it, and come to terms with it.
Claire suggests that, similar to processing feelings of panic or anxiety, the “more we create space to process difficult feelings and emotions, the more we get to move through it, and it doesn't floor us every time it presents itself.” So making room for uncomfortable feelings and emotions in the moments they appear can help them to become less powerful over time.
Having said all that, grief over the end of your relationship is not a linear process, as Katia points out. “It’s normal for certain memories to trigger emotional responses even years later, when the acute pain is no longer there. The goal isn’t to erase the past but to integrate it into your life story, which allows you to move forward with resilience."
“It's okay if you're ready to think about moving on after six months, just like it's okay if you're not ready after a year," says Jessica. "The goal isn't to rid ourselves of all the emotions related to the past relationship but to understand, process and grow our lives around them so those emotions feel less intense and invasive."
Even in the midst of your emotional pain, take heart that one day you will feel yourself again, says Katia. “On the other end of grief is the ability to re-enter your life and create new connections. You will feel yourself again and you’ll be able to look back on your marriage with perspective (sometimes even gratitude for any good moments), and feel excited about the future.”
How to cope when you still love your former partner
The fact that some people continue to have deep feelings for their partners after divorce, is a complicated issue., It can be influenced by your emotions, how you handled the breakup, and whether you have children with your ex. Sometime, lingering feelings do remain, and that’s ok too.
If you co-parent and it seems to work really well, it can keep a level respect and affection alive between the two of you, but that doesn't necessarily mean you love them. “Continuing to love an ex-partner after divorce can be incredibly complex and painful, particularly if it seems like they are finding it easy to move on,” says Jessica. “Like moving on from any relationship, the ability to set boundaries which create distance (if you can), is really important to allow yourself time to process and re-focus back on yourself.”
Katia has the following tips to help you move on, despite having feelings for your former partner:
- Accept: Acknowledge your emotions without judgement. It's natural to still care for someone who was a significant part of your life.
- Focus on what you can control: Your own actions. Despite acknowledging your feelings, do what you have to do to protect your emotional wellbeing. This may involve setting clear boundaries with your ex-partner and redirecting your energy towards creating a new life for yourself.
- Practise self-compassion: Don’t punish yourself for your feelings. Instead, treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a dear friend. Your capacity for love is a strength, not a weakness, and when directed inwards, will help you create a life for yourself feeling stronger and wiser.
How to ask for help if you need it
“The most important thing to remember is that you're not some sort of superhuman and that it is totally okay to be struggling and need some extra support,” says Jessica. “That could be a therapist for you or your children (if they're struggling) or for practical support, like asking for some extra help around the house. Often one of the components which has led to divorce has been this feeling of holding a lot of emotions in - anger, frustration, despair, grief - and so seeking an empathetic and non-judgemental space to express and process your emotions is really important.”
Here are some useful sites and resources to help you if you’re struggling:
- The National Family Mediation site has advice and information on protecting your mental health during and after a divorce.
- The Divorce Magazine has plenty of articles on life after separation, from navigating grief to parenting ups and downs.
- Family Lives can help you find a counsellor or therapist, find local support services in your area and offers a confidential helpline and live online chat service. You can call them on 0808 800 2222 Mon to Fri 9am to 9pm and weekends 10am - 3pm.
Featured experts
Claire is a relationship, dating and sex coach, aka The Wild Woman CEO as well as the Relationship and Dating expert on Dublin City FM where she features on Friday’s Good morning segment. She has been running her coaching practice since 2016.
Katia Vlachos is a reinvention coach, speaker, meditation teacher, and author of Uncaged: A Good Girl's Journey to Reinvention.
Jessica is a relationship coach, life coach and NLP Master Practitioner for ARVRA, a wellness programme for companies and individuals who want to improve their personal or employee wellbeing.
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