I vividly remember nervously opening my GCSE results at school in front of friends and teachers - they were less than expected. I was supposed to get all As, but that was the summer I discovered boys and alcohol and I invested significantly more time in them than studying, so I left with mostly Cs.
Luckily, my results didn’t impact my post-16 plans and my parents were supportive, if a little disheartened at my lacklustre performance. Times have changed now. My children all received their GCSE, A-Level, BTEC and even university degree results over email, both good news and bad read via a screen sitting in their home. I’m not sure if this approach is better, but it provides privacy to grieve if the results are not what they hoped, or worse, it takes away the camaraderie of the day and support from their peers. Many schools and colleges still offer students the ability to collect results in person, and even if they are sent via email, most schools will be open for students to visit and speak to their teachers and careers advisors about the next steps, especially if results aren’t as expected.
What should you do, as a parent, if your teen’s results aren’t as good as they, or you, hoped? As someone who has lived through results days many times with my own teens, here are my best tips:
- Remember they are not your results, don’t make them about you
- Listen, don’t jump straight in with advice
- Don’t dismiss their fears and tell them everything will be OK
- Make sure they know you love them unconditionally
- Let them know about your failures (and how you overcame them)
- There are always options
- Get support from their school or college
- Take some time, don’t rush into immediate decisions
1. Remember they are not your results, don’t make them about you
Yes, you may be disappointed, your child may have more potential and capability than the results show and you may have been expecting much better results, but ultimately they are not yours. Don’t make this time even trickier for your teen by adding your own emotions into the mix. Keep any disappointment in them and their results to yourself and most importantly stop yourself from saying unhelpful things like “well, this is what happens if you don’t revise. I told you so!.” All statements like this will do is to drive a wedge between you and your teen at a time that they need you most.
2. Listen, don’t jump straight in with advice.
As parents we tend to immediately jump into a ‘fix it’ mentality if we get bad news from our children. Our adult brains start whirring and we think “OK, so how can I improve this situation?” and we start spewing advice at our teens. The thing is, they are usually not in a position to listen to this advice, especially if the news of their results is still fresh. What happens instead is that they will get angry, tell you to “stop it!,” “shut up!,” completely ignore you, or walk away. While they are likely to need your help over the coming days, the best thing you can say in the early moments is “I’m here to support you however you need. Would you like my advice? Or do you just want me to listen to how you feel?.” Giving your teen a safe space to offload their emotions first puts them in a much better frame of mind to start considering their options and next moves.
3. Don’t dismiss their fears and tell them everything will be OK
While you may know that ultimately they will be OK, telling them this is not helpful, it’s dismissive. Right now it’s likely they feel like the bottom of their world has fallen out.
As an adult you know nobody cares about GCSE or A-Level results when you go for a job interview, but to your teen this is ‘the big stuff.’ Try to resist the temptation to tell them that everything will be OK, you only got a handful of Cs and Ds and you’ve got a good job and resist referring to the annual Jeremy Clarkson tweets!
4. Make sure they know you love them unconditionally
Now is a time to let your teen know that no matter their exam results, your love and pride in them is unwavering. Let them know that they are so much more than some grades and that you see them as the whole person that they are, with all their wonderful traits and accomplishments in life. Don’t presume that they know this, tell them. Take them out for a special lunch or cook their favourite meal and let them know how special they are, regardless of a string of numbers or letters.
5. Let them know about your failures (and how you overcame them)
As parents we can often set impossible goals for our teens and expect them to be better and achieve better than us. Sometimes we can also set ourselves up to be unachievable role models, thinking that somehow we need to be a perfect example. It’s much better for teens however for them to know that you have messed up and made mistakes. Let them know about disappointing grades you received and how you turned things around or talk about other mistakes you have made and how you overcame them.
6. There are always options
While it may feel as if the door has closed on your teen’s dreams, there are always options available to them. Research some alternatives together and when they feel ready talk them through. These options could include retakes, exam re-marks if they were one or two points off of the next grade bracket, taking an alternative course, attending an alternative sixth form, college, or university, taking on an apprenticeship or internship, or for those who have just taken their A-Levels, taking a gap year giving them headspace to decide on their next steps.
7. Get support from their school or college.
Even if your teen has technically left their school or college, they will still be available to support them with their exam results and next steps. Get in touch and arrange a phone call or an appointment for your teen to discuss their options. Ask if they would like you to attend with them and accept their decision if they would prefer to attend alone.
8. Take some time, don’t rush into immediate decisions.
It can be tempting for your teen to jump at the first offer if they are worried that they may not be any better alternatives available to them but encourage them to ask for a little breathing space, even if that’s only for a couple of hours or half a day. This time will allow them to really consider if the offer is right for them, or if perhaps it is worth pursuing other alternatives first.
Although we’ve discussed that these results are not yours, as a parent it’s likely you will still take them personally. What could you have done differently to encourage more study, more revision? Should you have paid for a personal tutor? Should you have worked less and been around more? Should you have had more screen time limits? Ultimately this sort of navel gazing and self-blaming does nothing positive for you or your teen. Your guilt isn’t going to change anything, neither is wishing you had done things differently. I suspect you did your best at the time, with the energy, time, and resources available to you. Be kind to yourself as well as to your teen and take this day to reflect on all the wonderful qualities your teen has that show the impact and effort of your parenting far more than a series of grades which are far more focussed on memory, performance under pressure and sheer luck.
Where to go to for more help
All About School Leavers https://www.allaboutschoolleavers.co.uk/
National Careers Service https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/
Get My First Job https://www.getmyfirstjob.co.uk/
UCAS https://www.ucas.com/undergraduate/clearing-and-results-day/who-contact
Sarah is a GoodtoKnow expert, a mum-of-four and author of many a child development book, including tweens and teens, she creates engaging, relatable and helpful teen content such as busting the myth that 'teenagers are lazy' that will make you feel relief, and tips to get your teen to revise will make you realise it's not just you. Plus her insight into why teenagers never leave their room is hugely relatable - send to anyone in your life with a teen.
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