'I gave birth then didn’t want sex for three years - we were at breaking point’

If you hear friends, or even celebrities saying they are having lots of post-birth sex, take it with a pinch of salt. I found it excruciatingly painful the first time my husband Bryn and I tried it, around six weeks after the birth of our daughter Delphi, who is now nine. Sex is the one thing you can fib about and no one will find out.

That first time, for me, the worst thing was that I had initiated the sex, because I wanted to feel a sense of normality in this new role as a mum – to feel like the person I had been before. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. At this point we had been together for six years, and pre-birth we had a happy, healthy sex life either weekly or fortnightly. The birth had been difficult. It was vaginal and after a long labour I had to have ventouse — an instrument that uses suction to attach a cup on to the baby’s head — then forceps, with episiotomy, which had left scarring. Still, I was so surprised at the pain during sex.

It felt like shards of glass. I felt something must be wrong. So I asked my GP, who didn’t think it was anything serious. During the first year after the birth, we had penetrative sex only once or twice more because it was so painful. We were able to cuddle but were also both so tired from early parenthood that sometimes even a smooch felt too much. Snuggling up on the sofa watching a film, Bryn would try to initiate something with a gentle kiss, but I immediately backed off, even though I could see he felt hurt.

Our sex life had been great beforehand, so it always felt like something was missing. Bryn was very understanding and reasonable, but we weren’t able to talk freely to each other. We'd try and have dinner together most nights, as a way of being together, but I'd end up snapping at the mildest comments.

Conversation was stilted, the noise of the cutlery on our dinner plates felt deafening over the quiet. A year post-birth, my physiotherapist found that, for me, a large part of the problem was the muscles in my lower pelvis were too tight and not flexible enough, and there was hypersensitive vaginal scarring, which all made sex extremely painful.

No one tells us to prepare for this stuff but I know it is happening to many, many women. Treatment includes exercises to release the muscles as well as massage of the scar tissue. I also had to deal with the toll the birth, and having a newborn, had on me both mentally and emotionally.

I had a real fear of my husband approaching me sexually. We would start to be romantic in bed, and rather than it progressing, I would freeze up and all sexy thoughts would disappear because I just felt so at odds with my body.

Feeling like this, and not being able to have sex and connect with each other, would leave me in tears in the bedroom regularly. We were arguing all the time about the most mundane things, from our daughter’s schedule to what to buy on the weekly shop. On top of that, I had postnatal depression. We were pushed to breaking point as a couple. I was feeling dread and anxiety at how bad our relationship had got, and started planning what I’d do if we were to divorce.

We had three years with no sex. Five years after the birth of Delphi, our sex life wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been, but despite things picking up a little, we were still on the verge of divorcing. Bryn had been the one to say, 'I just can’t do this any more. Maybe I should move out?' We both sobbed as he took off for his brother’s house, not saying when he might be back. That evening, when Bryn came home, we sat down together and decided to see a couples therapist.

I credit her with saving our marriage. Not having sex regularly, it felt like we were simply housemates, being polite and passing by each other in the home, certainly not really speaking properly. I was so sad, and at times I questioned whether we even loved each other.

I’ve always needed to be told, ‘I love you’, to feel secure, and Bryn was never very good at saying it, but now there were months when he stopped saying it at all, and that felt really painful. We had always made each other laugh, and it felt alien not to be able to share this comfortable friendship any more. We never stopped finding each other attractive, but we weren’t looking at each other in a sexual way, so forgot to appreciate the other person.

After six months of therapy, we felt like we were back on an even keel in our marriage and back to our usual routine of weekly or fortnightly sex. But this was five-and-a-half years after birth! It was only then that it felt right to try for another baby. So many mums are not having good sex while their kids are young. We all feel alone, and need to hear that there are others going through the same thing.

I am here to give scared women a much-needed glimmer of hope that after having a baby your sex life is not done and dusted. You need patience, time, information and maybe some outside help like counselling. The birth of our wonderful daughter saw the death of our sex life, and it was awful. But with time, and the right guidance, our marriage is now better than ever. And, in case you’re wondering, thankfully, we did not suffer the same fate after having our second daughter, Echo, now two.

Clio Wood is a women’s sexual health and wellbeing advocate and author of Get Your Mojo Back: Sex, Pleasure And Intimacy After Birth (£12.99, Amazon). Follow Clio on Instagram @andbreathewellbeing

Expert advice

Dr Karen Gurney explains that sexual dissatisfaction is at its highest for couples in the period after having kids. And she says that most couples do not start having sex again until their children are six or over. She explains: ‘A crying child has an impact on what’s happening in your sex life and for your desire. We tend to see that the more times you get up in the night, the less happy you are with your sex life.’

Her advice is that parents should share the workload. That way, you are more likely to have a similar mindset towards sex rather than ‘one of you getting a good night’s sleep and feeling horny all the time and another one getting up three times and sex is the last thing on their mind.’

How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, by Dr Karen Gurney (£16.99, Amazon) is out now