What to say to your kids instead of 'good girl' and 'good boy'

Although praising our children with words such as 'good boy' and 'good girl' come naturally to parents, research suggests this is outdated and needs to be reworded.

When your child does something you're really proud of, your first instinct could be to say 'good girl!' or 'good boy!' without even thinking about it. However, child psychologists believe parents need to rethink how we give praise, if our kids are to become the resilient and emotionally intelligent adults we want them to be.   

You're not alone if your first question to this proposed change, is 'why?' This is a very valid question - exactly why are we dropping the habit of a lifetime? The answers are rooted in psychology and the way it evolves as knowledge in the area expands. According to The Conversation, praise has been a key part of parenting for decades, with 1950s psychologists asserting the benefits of how it positively reinforces desired behaviours.

This notion continued into the 1970s, as psychologists and child development experts continued to emphasise the importance of praising children with phrases such as 'good boy' and 'good girl.' However, in the 2000s, research moved forward, and away from praise and boosting self-esteem being central to nurturing a child’s wellbeing.

Modern psychologists now believe that praise does foster a strong opinion of themselves in children, but the real focus should be on helping them develop a positive sense of identity - rather than thinking highly of themselves, we need to shift towards a sense of safety and belonging in kids. The end result of this should be children feeling capability in their own ability to feel comfortable with their actions, rather than relying on outside forces such as parental praise. 

It's thought that constant praise could lead kids to believe they need to act and make choices to gain adult approval, rather than for themselves. This can negatively affect their sense of self by hindering skills of self-regulation and positive sense of their own identity. 

Similarly, adults offering an abundance of praise, could find their children constantly need this validation to do the right thing, hindering the child's ability to make good choices on their own. Some research has even pointed to inflated praise, including words such as 'amazing' and 'incredible,' resulting in narcissism in kids who end up with an unrealistic sense of what they can actually achieve. 

Instead of inflated praise, here's what parents can say instead:

3 phrases to say instead of 'good boy' and 'good girl'

1. Give realistic feedback. You could say "Well done. I can see you’re trying there with your handstands," instead of "Incredible handstands! You are absolutely amazing at gymnastics!" 
2. Focus on learning or improvement. Don't pit your child against others. You could say: "Next time when you look for the pass in your rugby match, how about getting there as fast as you can?" This can be instead of "You're not quite as quick as some of the others at looking for the pass."
3. Use praise that shows children they are valued. You could say "Well done, you tried your best to study for that test," instead of "I got straight As at school, that's what you need to aim for." 

For more advice on raising emotionally healthy kids, we share how to raise happy kids, how to raise confident kids, and five things kids should never have to do just because an adult expects it of them.