One overlooked reason modern parents are 'burnt out' and stressed, says expert

Trying to do it all and strive for perfection contributes to stress in modern parents, according to an expert – children respond better to parents who are physically and emotionally present.

Parenting isn’t easy. Raising children can be stressful, whether you’re dealing with night feeds, pre-teen squabbles, or your teen’s exam worries and relationship woes – parenting teenagers can be as difficult as raising a baby, according to experts. There’s sturdy parenting, authoritative parenting, the 9-minute theory… how do you know if you’re doing things right? 

Well, maybe worrying about being perfect is actually having a negative effect on our wellbeing. That’s what Erica Komisar, a psychoanalyst and parent guidance expert, has suggested. Writing for the Institute for Family Studies, Komisar suggests that we have failed parents, as a society, by “promoting the myth that we can do it all and have it all, all at the same time.” 

As of 2021, over half of working families in the UK (50.4%) had both parents in full-time work, and it’s more difficult to manage on one income than it perhaps used to be. But when both parents are working full-time, this can place more stress on both the children and the parents. Arranging childcare can be stressful, parents can feel guilty about not spending as much time with their children, and there’s less time for self-care, too. 

“Stressed-out and preoccupied parents, who are busy working outside the home and distracted by technology, have less time to spend with their children in a calm and relaxed state, raising children who are also more stressed and difficult to manage,” says Komisar.

“When children do not get their emotional and physical needs met by parents who are exhausted, depressed, anxious, and distracted, they become the squeaky wheel, expressing their pain through aggression, distractibility, and depression, just to name a few symptoms.”

She cites a New York Times article from the US Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, in which he suggests a range of factors, from gun violence to social media, are contributing to parental stress. “All of these factors certainly impact the stress levels today’s parents are reporting,” says Komisar in response. “But in my opinion as a mental health professional, the origin is deeper. It comes down to shifting our priorities away from focusing on children and their overall health toward a more self-centred approach and believing that one can have it all without sacrificing anything.

“This leads to excessive conflict, guilt, and anxiety—which can cause more stress. Parents often become excessively controlling and perfectionistic to compensate for these feelings, causing even more stress.

She explains that children don’t need perfection from their parents. They don’t need fancy holidays and a huge house. Rather, “What they need are parents who are physically and emotionally present, relaxed, and unconflicted about where they should be. They need parents who feel joy in being with them rather than obligation and fatigue.”

Children need healthy parents if they’re going to thrive themselves, and to feel healthy and less stressed we might need to forget the idea that we can do everything and have everything. “Instead, we should focus on being with those we love,” says Komisar, “Even if we must live a smaller life while raising small children.”

What are the most common traits of perfectionism in motherhood? Like Komisar says, you might be holding yourself to unrealistic standards – expecting yourself to be able to do it all – but do you also find it hard to ask for help when you need it, find it difficult to make decisions, or never celebrate yourself? 

If so, it might be worth taking on board some of Komisar’s advice, as well as some advice from psychotherapist and GoodtoKnow resident expert, Anna Mathur. Mathur suggests, “The next time you don’t feel ‘good enough’, question whether it’s because you need to try harder, or because the bar of your standards is sitting out of your reach. We need a margin for humanness in the standards we place for ourselves, or the standards we accept as the norm."

She explains that humans are designed for community, despite the common modern view that it’s a failure to depend on or need other people. However, “If vulnerability was a weakness, it wouldn’t be so challenging. Leaning on others and recognising where you have met your limits is both strength and bravery.”

In more parenting news, here’s how to explain the mental load to your partner, and here are three tips to set screen time boundaries. Worried your teen has stopped talking to you? Experts share five reasons why this is 'to be expected' and what you can do to help them, and here are 12 tips for keeping your kids safe on social media.