"I grew up with my parents playing good cop bad cop" and experts say the parenting tactic is damaging

An expert has revealed why parents playing 'good cop bad cop' can be damaging not only for kids, but also for parents' relationships.

Having a child can massively impact our relationships, especially as research has shown parenting and marriage today are 'harder' than ever before. Expanding your family can have so many knock-on effects, shaking the stable footing of your partnership and even if you have found your soulmate, you can find yourself getting annoyed with them a little quicker and picking arguments for unknown reasons. 

Now, an expert has revealed that these struggles are likely made worse for those parents who have adopted a 'good cop bad cop' approach to parenting. Writing in the new book Couples as Parents, which shares insights from a number of experts, couples' therapist Sophie Corke explained that these opposing parental roles can often leave parents feeling 'trapped' and causes arguments as each 'cop' turns to 'angrily asserting' what could instead be a calm conversation between partners. 

Explaining what 'good cop bad cop' parenting is, she explained, "These are couples… whose conflict centres around their management of and relationship with their child or children.

"Unlike in reasonably well-functioning families, where it might be openly acknowledged that one or another parent is a 'soft touch' or parents may alternate their stance, 'good cop – bad cop' parents feel trapped in rigid roles… unable to see the other's point of view."

There's also a pattern of who tends to be which cop. Corke explained that the 'bad cop' tends to be the stay-at-home parent or the primary caregiver and this often leads them to take total responsibility for the child's practical needs. This then, she explains, frees the 'good cop' parent to 'have all the fun.'

She added, "The 'bad cop' parent may be characterised by the 'good cop' as overly traditional, strict or rigid. Conversely, the 'bad cop' may accuse their partner of being cowardly in refusing to say 'no' and of spoiling their children."

Claire Law, a teacher, relational psychotherapist, and senior contributor at Four Minute Books, told us here at GoodTo.com of 'good cop bad cop' parenting, "When parents flip-flop between being the 'good cop' and 'bad cop', it sends confusing, mixed messages. Children thrive when they have clear, agreed upon rules and consequences that both parents enforce consistently. This helps them feel secure and learn appropriate boundaries."

In addition, she says that the style can put a massive strain on the parents' relationship. "It breeds tension, resentment and disunity," she explains. "Parents need to be on the same page, but that becomes nearly impossible when one is always playing the 'heavy' and the other enables the child by swooping in as the 'saviour'.

"This dynamic also makes healthy compromises much harder to reach," she adds. "If one parent feels they always have to 'win' and get their way, it shuts down constructive discussion and prevents mutually agreeable solutions. Instead, both parents need to feel heard, respected and willing to meet in the middle."

Navigating relationships after starting a family can be difficult. Life can sweep you up and learning how to explain the mental load of that to your partner is hard but necessary. You may find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner after having a baby, which is completely normal, but when you're ready there are plenty of ways to connect with your partner after your kids have gone to bed including one simple habit that could get your sex life back on track after having a baby.