‘Consent begins at home with you’ - psychologist Dr Martha shares how to model consent and keep kids safe

It's important to teach your children about consent to keep them safe, one psychologist and parenting expert has urged.

There are lots of important things we need to teach our children to help keep them safe - they seem to be surrounded by potential points of harm, from social media and violent content online, to knowing about the new phrase your child needs to stay safe to replace 'stranger danger.' 

It's vitally important to educate your kids about the idea of consent as early as possible, to help them understand that they’re entitled to privacy and agency over their bodies. Dr Martha, a psychologist who helps support parents, explains the best way to model consent at home to help keep our children safe.

“Consent begins at home with you,” she explains. “How you model it and how you respond to others gives your child a blueprint of how to be in relationships with others and what safe expectations to have around themselves.”

This can be along the lines of asking your child for permission to hug them, or asking them what photos or videos they’re happy for you to share with loved ones, and respecting their wishes. She explains that she often gets asked where things like nappy changes and medical appointments come into the discussion, and says that these fall under assent, rather consent, in younger children – and assent is often accompanied by consent from parents or legal guardians. So, while your baby may not be able to give consent to your changing their nappy, for example, it’s something that you still need to do as part of caring for them properly. 

And consent helps children learn what’s safe with their bodies and those of other people, teaching them respect, and how to deal with hearing the word ‘no’ without taking it as a rejection. This can easily be modelled at home by you. Dr Martha gives examples of things you might say, like, “I love being close to you but I don’t want you on my lap right now. Come sit next to me,” or “You don’t want a cuddle right now? That’s okay, I love you just the same.”

Just as it’s important to ask your child if they want you to pick them up, or give them a cuddle, encourage them to ask other people, too. So, things like, “Nanny, can I give you a cuddle?” or, “Daddy, can I sit on your lap?”

She continues, “If you’re listening to this and thinking, ‘But these are all things that should be natural – they’re signs of physical affection and I want my child to be affectionate with others,’ I hear you. For adults who haven’t learned about consent, weren’t taught it at school, didn’t have family members who talked to us about it or modelled how to do it, it feels awkward and unfamiliar. But trust me, this is about building a sense of agency in a child.”

She explains in the caption, “We want children to learn to trust their instincts, rather than override them to give others pleasure. And if anything were to happen, you want them to come to you because they will know what is safe and what is not.”

Another important thing to ensure is that you’re giving your children the correct and accurate information about bodies and sex – so, labelling body parts correctly, for example. Not doing so, she says, “sets up a precedent for your child that they cannot fully trust what you say and/or that some subjects are best to be avoided completely.”

By giving your children agency over their bodies, you’re empowering them and this could protect them – if something’s wrong, they’re more likely to recognise it and come to you for help and support. 

In related news, here are 5 things kids never ‘have’ to do, according to a child psychologist, and when and how to talk to your child about sex. If you're wondering how to talk to your kids about porn, it's a good idea to have these conversations no matter how hard they feel.