Grandparents confused by your child’s autism? Expert reveals the one phrase to help them understand

Dealing with grandparents who can't or won't accept their grandchild's autism diagnosis can be one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting - but experts have revealed how to help them understand it. 

Parenting a child with autism often demands a whole different approach to parenting than that you'd take with a neurotypical child. And it's not just the practical, caring aspects of parenting you need to tailor differently. For just one example, you have to figure out ways to best support autistic play rather than just learn how to play with a child and that's not to mention figuring out how to best discipline bad behaviour. 

But one of the hardest aspects can be when grandparents don't understand how autism affects their grandchild or their parents' approach to caring for them. 

"My parents want my daughter to behave like other kids when it's just not possible," one mum of an autistic child told Next Avenue. Another added, "They'll tell her to simmer down or tell me to take her computer screen away from her. They put a lot of blame on me and my husband for not disciplining her."

The experience seems to be universal, with many grandparents simply not understanding how to handle the behaviours of autistic children. And it's left one expert telling parents of autistic kids to handle their family's misunderstanding in one simple way; "Emphasise that autism is not a result of poor parenting or something that can be fixed, but rather a different way of experiencing the world, is crucial."

According to Devora Fromowitz, the vice president of operations at Achievements ABA Therapy who shared the insight, "Autism is a complex developmental disorder, and it often requires a nuanced approach to explain its characteristics and implications. Grandparents may have grown up in a time when autism was less understood or even stigmatised, leading to difficulties in accepting and comprehending their grandchild's condition."

Further explaining grandparents' lack of understanding around autism and the behaviours surrounding it, Julia DeNey, a former special education professional, explained how, previously, diagnosing autism was difficult for professionals as the symptoms lie on a spectrum and many people in grandparents' generations were overlooked and called 'disruptive, unmotivated, or disrespectful' instead of autistic.

This has left many grandparents to believe that the traits associated with autism are just traits, not autism itself, and can be outgrown or disciplined. This, however, is simply not the case - but how can parents of autistic children teach grandparents that?

Fromowitz recommends removing the 'emotional factor' of a grandparent understanding their grandchild's behaviour and teach them instead about autism in its simplest terms away from that relationship. Using books, articles or videos, she says to highlight everyday examples that show how autism affects behaviour and interactions - and using one phrase alongside these can massively change a grandparent's perception.

"Emphasising that autism is not a result of poor parenting or something that can be fixed, but rather a different way of experiencing the world, is crucial."

She also added that often a grandparents' denial over a diagnosis stems from a fear over the grandchild's future and what impact the 'label' of autism might have on it. In this case, providing education and support, as well as patience and understanding, when showing a grandparent how times have changed and what great support the diagnosis can welcome in, rather than the perceived negative impact it might have, can gradually help grandparents embrace their grandchild's needs.

If you are the parent of a neurodivergent child, there is tonnes of support and expert insight out there to help you navigate parenting. From explainers on PDA in children as well as tips to support it from experts to the 15 subtle ways your child expresses anxiety that you might have missed, and how to manage it flawlessly, we've got you covered. Plus, groundbreaking new research reveals surprising link between neurodivergence and chronic fatigue in kids.