‘I don’t want to clip my wings again’ - first time grandmother fears being tied down by grandchild

A woman told she's about to become a grandmother divided the internet by saying she didn't want to be tied down to childcare, having already raised her own family and now wanting her freedom - does she have a point?

More than half of grandparents look after grandchildren while their parents work, and some families are even trapped into living near grandparents because they can't afford to go without the free childcare they offer. Such has the number of older generations caring for grandkids soared, some grandparents can even claim childcare credit.  

But what if you don't want to be tied down to looking after grandchildren and just want to enjoy your freedom? One grandmother-to-be divided the internet by asking for advice on that very subject. Posting on the online forum Gransnet, the 63-year-old woman said she was delighted her daughter was expecting a baby - and her first grandchild - she just didn't want any expectations that she'd provide regular childcare.

She explained she'd suffered some health issues and had cancer, and now well again, wanted to be able to enjoy life. She wrote "After 40 years working and bringing up a family with all the usual mix of fun and traumas I am really enjoying having time to get healthier, sing, travel indulge my interests, I’ve even started a bit of writing - always a dream."

She adds "My daughter is now pregnant with her first child (am thrilled to bits) and I feel like I should offer to help out with child minding as they both need to work. However, having only just gained my freedom I don’t want to make a regular commitment that 'clips my wings' again, so to speak. I am happy to help out but just not on a 'regular day' or every week as we go away a lot. I feel so selfish though."

Her reasons for not wanting to be tied down with childcare are perfectly valid, but possibly shows that parents need to be firm with their stance on providing childcare before grandchildren are even in the mix.  

It also says something about the expectations placed on women and mothers that never appear to end - it's unlikely you'd find a grandfather posting a similar query on a forum for grandfathers. It seems women are supposed to put their own needs aside for maternal duties even when they're grandparents, and it isn't very fair.

The soon-to-be grandmother certainly received mixed opinions to her post. One sensible commenter wrote "There are no hard and fast rules which say you have to look after your new grandchild when he/she arrives and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to give up your new lifestyle. I'm sure the new parents will just be grateful to know you can be there in an emergency and will no doubt put full time child care in place before your daughter goes back to work."

However, another had quite different ideas, saying "Wait till that baby arrives, your other priorities will probably fly out the window. They're only little for such a short time, and caring for them one day a week won't exactly cramp your style but you'll probably end up asking for more."

Mum-of-two, Hannah, tells us "My husband's parents were very frank when we had our first child that they weren't open to helping out. At first I was shocked and almost resentful. But they have full and busy lives and now I totally see why they said that and I'm glad they were so honest with us. To be fair, there's days when I think I'll probably go down the same route - there's so much I want to enjoy when my kids have left home, I'm not sure I'll want to go back to looking after children again either."

For more, we ask grandparents to share how their grandchildren make them feel loved, and the answers were pretty adorable. One grandmother spoke out about her hurt over grandchildren appearing to favour their other grandparents, while another shares online tips for spending more time with grandkids.