Family dynamics are far from easy to navigate - especially when you add kids to the mix. To keep things courteous, here are five behaviours grandparents should avoid...
If you're expecting your first baby, then as well as the excitement at meeting your little one, you probably can't wait to see your parents become grandparents. There's so much to look forward to - once you've settled on a grandparent name you'll get to see the special bond from between them and your newest family member. Because, let's not forget, research suggests grandparents actually love their grandkids more than their own children.
But we'd be lying if we told you it's all going to be smooth sailing. Parenting trends have moved on since today's grandparents were raising children, but that doesn't stop grandparents from sharing their thoughts on modern parenting - and this can cause friction in families. We've shared the mistakes grandparents will want to avoid in order to keep things harmonious.
5 behaviours grandparents should avoid
1. Giving gifts without communicating with the parents
It's understandable that grandparents want to shower their grandkids with gifts - for many, it's a way of expressing their love. But this can cause tension if parents feel the gift is too expensive or excessive, or if the gift is something they see as inappropriate.
It's a good idea to have a conversation with each other before a gift is decided on, so everyone knows what to expect. For parents, you can also gently explain why you might not want so many toys in your house. Jane Isay, author of Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent Today, told Today's Parent: "You can say, 'We're really trying to cut down on the stuff in the house. The children love you so much, and you don’t need to bring all these presents'."
2. Dropping by unannounced
Parents have busy schedules. Alongside their own commitments, they've also got to get their kids to and from school, nursery, or various kids clubs, and they might well have things to do with the kids planned for the weekends to keep the little ones entertained too. And while it's sure to be appreciated that the grandparents want to spend as much time with the family as possible, not respecting this busy schedule might not go down too well.
Robin Kay Stilwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost that dropping by unannounced "sends a message that your convenience takes priority regardless of the disruption to the flow of the family unit." Instead, check in to organise a time when it's suitable for grandparents to visit, to avoid any resentment building up.
3. Not keeping anxieties to themselves
Millennials are begging parents to keep their anxieties to themselves and spare the grandkids, for fear that this will be passed on to the younger family members. It's a conversation that was kicked off on TikTok by user Gabi Day, who explained that she chose a more relaxed parenting style to the one her own mother adopted, saying that growing up she it found 'beyond exhausting' to deal with the anxiety as a child and believes 'absorbing that energy' when she was younger has turned her into an 'anxious adult'.
But as Gabi's mother has been looking after her kids for her, she now worries that these anxieties are going to be passed down again. Hundreds of commenters agreed, with one writing under the video: "I have made a deliberate effort to not *gasp* around my kids. My mom’s sharp intake of air as a reaction to literally ANYTHING has ruined me."
Chelsey Molina, a counsellor with The Helen Gordon Davis Centre for Women previously told Parents that "modelling our parenting style to our parents can be super helpful. Showing our parents how we show up for our kids in ways that support and empower them during situations that would normally make them (the parent and even the child) anxious."
@itsgabiday ♬ original sound - Gabi Day
4. Not respecting boundaries
Another source of tension that's been a hot topic of conversation on TikTok is grandparents who don't respect their own children's boundaries - especially after they become a parent. That could be circumventing household rules, undermining the parents' authority, or the issues around gift giving and dropping by unannounced also fall into this category.
To solve this issue, communication is key. Buzzfeed spoke to influencer and mum-of-three Lisa Ponitus, who has been open about the boundaries she sets with her children's grandparents. She said, "Boundaries don’t have to be big or start a fight necessarily. Most boundaries I’ve set with my in-laws have been small things like [asking them not to give your child sweets]. Some have been bigger and needed larger conversations. The word 'boundaries' scares a lot of people, they can be seen as threatening, but in reality, they serve to protect a relationship. Boundaries are a way to navigate these relationships in a way that resentments don’t build."
5. Criticising parenting styles
This one is a big source of tension between parents and grandparents, and it's another boundary-breaker too. The most popular parenting styles look a bit different to previous generations, and not all grandparents agree with the approach their kids take when raising children. It can be hard to sit on the sideline if you feel like you're watching a parent make a mistake, but jumping in with unsolicited advice can put a strain on family relations.
Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast SelfWork, offered some advice for grandparents when speaking to Yahoo!: "Ask your biological adult child first about what they notice are the differences between the way you raised them and the way they are parenting their own children. If you have a good working relationship with them, hopefully this will be a conversation, not an argument."
In related news, research has revealed that one set of grandparents is more likely to spoil their grandkids than the other. And while it turns out kids are turning to grandparents for life advice, it looks like it goes both ways - as grandparents say they learn more from their grandkids than their own children.
