Family goals might be something you've never thought of doing, and don't worry you're not alone in that. It might feel like 'another thing to add to the to-do list' but the benefits might just make it worth it, hear us out...
Of all of the things to do with kids, setting goals for them collectively as a family, might not be top of the list - but we think it should be. One goal you might have considered is talking about mental health to your children, or introducing simple mindfulness activities into their daily routine. Setting family goals can also be an extension of mindfulness, as well as bringing many other psychological benefits.
BACP-accredited family psychologist Stefan Walters, shared his views on the importance of family goal-setting with us, saying "Research has shown that families who actively set goals together feel both more empowered and aligned. Children can greatly benefit from seeing their parents modelling this kind of attunement and communication, as it can create a sense of safety in relationships."
Mum-of-two Rachel, told us she began setting family goals two years ago. She said "The children were reluctant at first. But once we began sitting down together regularly to see how much progress we'd made, they were so proud of their achievements. I regularly find them chatting about what they'll be including when we sit down to plan the next lot of goals."
Reasons to set family goals
- Models great communication skills - especially in disagreements
- Defines clear family expectations on what will and won't be tolerated
- Makes kids feel that their voice is important and listened to
- Encourages decision making
- Empowers kids to 'trust the process' when goals shift
- Teaches the importance of checking in with each other
- Keeps families engaged and involved with one another
Family goals can strengthen the family unit, and positively engage children in something that will provide several psychological benefits. It's an activity that will continue to regulate the family structure, as you come back together at various times during the year to check in with each other and celebrate your achievements.
This is a collaborative process, and for those wondering where to start - getting children on board is key. Explain to them what you'll be doing, and ask them individually what they hope to achieve both for themselves, and for the family as a whole.
If everyone feels their contribution is valued, they're more likely to want to see the outcome through. While listening carefully, try and encourage kids to suggest goals that are both achievable and measurable - also remind youngsters they can alter their goals as the year goes on.
Psychologist Stefan Walters told us setting goals can bring fragmented families together, and offer children the security of having their voices heard. He said "Goal setting may also be a useful tool for addressing and adapting dysfunctional family systems."
He added "It can help the individuals within the system to feel more heard and aligned, and to have their independent needs recognised and validated as the goal setting exercise goes on. This is helpful both for each member, and the family unit as a whole."
Mum-of-four Rebecca has a neurodiverse child, and she told us that getting involved in setting his goals with the family is something that she's surprised he's taken to so well. "The first time I said we were going to do it, I was sure he'd take some persuading to join in," she told us, adding "He surprised all of us by being the first to offer his goals then repeating how much he'd enjoyed the activity. He said he couldn't wait to do it every year."
Stefan explained why Rebecca's child could have shown such enthusiasm for the process. He said "The exercise of goal setting together can be particularly appealing to neurodivergent family members. Often, they have a greater need for clarity, structure, attunement, and clear expectations, and this is what the exercise offers them in abundance."
You might be thinking that once the goals have been set, sticking to them and checking in on them as a family might be difficult. Jess, a mum-of-two, spoke to us about the way she found around this.
"I told the girls we'd be setting aside time to come back to our goals throughout the year," she began. Jess continued "But they were often engrossed in their own thing and didn't want to join in when the time came. When I suggested they pick a treat and we follow a discussion about our achievements with donuts and a game of Top Trumps, they were sold! It's what works for us."
Stefan weighed in to tell us that the process of checking in on family goals often becomes naturally ingrained in family life, and the benefits of mindfulness this brings. "Goal setting becomes an ongoing tool within the family," he said, continuing "Rather than a one-off exercise, this can become a regular way to check in with each other.
Progress each member is making towards their own goals can be discussed, and certain goals may need to be amended over time. This is great way for families to remain actively involved with each other, and to have a mindful process of establishing a shared vision and then working towards it as a united unit."
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Stefan Walters is world renowned London based psychotherapist and psychologist who offers in person and online therapy services to individuals, couples, and families in distress. Stefan is also a certified brainspotting therapist and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).
