“Sometimes I just want to stare into space” - do we really need small talk on the school run?

Is small talk mandatory on school runs or are we all on board with silence being a-okay? I’m the family editor here at GoodtoKnow and I need to talk this one through, because it’s nuanced, right? It’s one of those ‘I don’t want to make small talk all the time, but I reserve the right to feel left out when I’m not part of it’ situations.

So when I say ‘nuanced’ I mean that sometimes it’s not so cut and clear. Sometimes a little chat is needed, whether it's about the weather, the latest school fines, the parking nightmares, our mum rage, or just how tired we all are. And I know that nattering as we wait for our kids to come bowling out has been a lifesaver for my sanity and my personality (I’m that scatty mum who never skim-reads the helpful part of the email). ‘Erm, sorry what’s this about them needing to bring five empty bottles in on Tues?’ - yep, that’s me.

But I also know I’m not alone in sometimes needing to believe that it’s okay to not make small talk and that I won’t offend anyone if I just ‘be more Dad’. I’m in awe of the dads who brazenly keep their heads down, don’t talk to anyone, pick their kids up and duck out within minutes. It’s a skill I don’t have. But I would like to try, and I know other mums feel the same way…

My friend Dionne, a teacher and mum of twin tweens and a teenage boy messaged me the other day saying ‘Took the girls to the park after school and one of the mums just apologised to me as I was sat on the bench on my own and she didn't see me. I openly said that I just didn't want to talk to anyone and wanted peace and she sighed in relief and said that she had made small talk with one of the other mums for half an hour and wished she did the same.’

And mum-of-three Debs, a marketing manager tells me; "My brain is either just waking up in the morning and taking all the energy I have, or I'm at the end of my tether by 330pm. Trust me I'm so cranky you don't want to talk to me."

Deputy editor here at GoodToKnow and mum-of-three Heidi Scrimgeour also feels this sometimes, wanting us to channel our state-side friends, “I wish we had the American system where you drive thru and they hop in, no human interaction necessary…” before admitting; “Although in truth I have to say school gate convos have saved my sanity on more than one occasion too.” And I totally get it. Sometimes small talk is a precursor, a subtle check to see if we could be friends.

Sam, a therapist at CAMHS and mum-of-two thinks so, “I love school chat. Talking to parents before school helps me feel included and a part of the community. Especially as a nearly full-time working parent I often feel out of the loop. When I see little cliques though I feel left out, even if they’re people I don’t want to be a clique with.”

Mum-of-two Kiran is an NHS senior manager due to go back to work full-time in September and she agrees; “I’m kind of sad that most days I won’t be there for the chats after I go back to work. School chats are so nice, I feel like I’m getting to know other parents and gain an understanding of the types of people my kid is interacting with.”

Reading these mum’s opinions, made me realise I'm not alone, and there is a time, place and benefit for that small talk but still, do we need a school run where it’s okay to not always make small talk? Does it have to be all or nothing?

I asked a psychotherapist....

I had to dig a little deeper so turned to parent psychotherapist and mum-of-three Anna Mathur. And when it comes to small talk, Anna, a resident expert at GoodToKnow has a theory - if someone is not making conversation that particular day, it’s not about you. She tells us; “You never know what’s going on in people’s minds or in people’s lives. There have been times when I’ve been really vacant on the school run, and that’s because I’m trying not to cry or I’ve had a really difficult morning. And if it’s the afternoon I just don’t have any social energy.”

She explains how it’s so important to not take it personally if someone isn’t chatty, “You just keep reminding yourself that if you’ve done something wrong then it’s the other person’s responsibility to tell you if you’re not aware of what that is. I think we often project our concern onto other people."

Anna also talked about being careful not to make judgements. “The other thing we do as humans is make judgements - we might just think ‘oh they’re really grumpy or ‘they’re really anti-social’ when actually we don’t know what’s going on in their lives.” Essentially we need to collectively remember that other people and their silence doesn’t necessarily say something about their personality.

Why do we feel the need to make small talk? Where does this drive come from? Is it learned? I had so many questions. Anna tells me; “Removing pressure off yourself to be a certain way will help.” This makes sense as I feel pressure to be the friendly chatty mum all the time.

She goes on to say; “Often we pressure ourselves to be inauthentic, like all chatty and friendly when actually that’s not how we feel, and the more we let ourselves be how and who we are then the more accepting we can be of others being how and who they are. “If we don’t wear masks in the same way then we’re going to be more accepting that other people aren’t going to want to force it, and that’s really healthy.”

And while there’s a place for social airs and grace the school run is every single day twice a day, and it can feel so relentless. We can never stop small talk - and after discussing it with other mums it seems none of us want to - but, if we want the option [to be quiet or alone when we need to] without offending people then, ultimately, we need to work on removing pressure from ourselves and other people to be any other way than how and who they are. “This means that people will feel more relaxed and able to make proper connections,” Anna assures me.

To summarise, let’s normalise being okay if we or someone doesn’t want to make small talk. After chatting with other mums, it's safe to say every single one of us has days when we don't want to be social, but it doesn't mean we won't want to be on another day. Let's give each other the space and grace to be our authentic selves, which might appear differently depending on the day. And remember, when you're feeling super social, you can always go to town with the chatty chattersons (who always save my skin on non-uniform days).

Motherhood can feel the hardest, especially when your little ones start school. Remember to trust your instincts, like our writer did in our is your child not settling at primary school article. And if you hate playing with your kid, or struggle with toy rotation, no matter what it is, we promise you're not alone in it.