If you often question whether you’re doing enough parenting, you’re not alone. As a Psychotherapist and a mother of three, I have worked with so many mums who have grappled with this same question and have been found to ask it of myself too.
Sometimes the standards we set for our parenting are so eye-wateringly unattainable that even the most well-slept, resourced and supported woman wouldn’t fulfil them.
Maternal guilt fills the void between the mother we think we should be, and the mother we are. As children, we welcomed a ‘tick’ on our school work. Little validations in scrawled marks tell us that we met the standard. Good enough used to be good. It used to be enough.
‘Good enough’ has been steamrolled by perfectionism and comparison. Good enough is now substandard. Pah! Who’d want to be good enough when you could be GREAT? We see snapshots of other people’s mothering and merge them into one supposedly attainable ideal of what it is to be a ‘great mum’.
Winnicott, a Psychoanalyst parenting expert in the 1950’s studied thousands of mothers and knew the emotional, physical and mental energy required to raise these small people. He summarised that the way to be a good mother is to be a ‘good enough’ mother.
Good enough considers our humanness, with all of our failures and limits. Imperfection is positive.
So, here are ten traits of a good enough mother:
Traits of a 'good enough' mum
- You take responsibility and apologise when you don’t parent in a way you’re proud of.
- You are open to disappointing your child
- You let your child see you rest.
- You let others support you on your parenting journey.
- You cut corners when needed.
- You say no sometimes.
- You seek things that make you feel like you.
- You recognise that our emotions are inconsistent.
- You challenge mum guilt.
- You cut yourself some slack.
1. You take responsibility and apologise when you don’t parent in a way you’re proud of. It’s healthy for children to feel failed in tolerable ways in the context of relationship with a loving parent. When I’ve done something that ruptures the connection with my child, I’d say something like ‘mummy didn’t sleep very well last night. I’m tired and grumpy and I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that’. I’m explaining that whilst their behaviour might be challenging sometimes, I might get frustrated but It’s my responsibility to take a breath and find a way to recoup some resources.
2. You are open to disappointing your child. As we hold healthy boundaries, we will face the disappointment of our children. As we hold those boundaries and help them ride out their disappointment or feelings of disappointment rather than rushing to throw the healthy boundary aside to fix and ease it, we are teaching them how to survive in an imperfect world that will fail and disappoint.
3. You let your child see you rest. It’s natural to be focused on meeting your children’s needs, but it’s important for them to see you meeting yours too. This isn’t a case of ‘me first’, but it’s recognising that you have needs that need to be met too. In fact, meeting your basic needs resources and enables you to parent in a way that aligns with your values. When you’re frazzled and living on caffeine and fuelled by your critical internal chatter, you are less equipped to respond well to the stressful moments that arise.
4. You let others support you on your parenting journey. Perfectionism has turning down kind offers of help. It can find us responding ‘I’m good thanks’ when we could be sharing more of the challenges of parenting we’re facing. Motherhood is famously said to take a village. Sometimes we wonder where that village is, and sometimes it’s there but we deem accepting help as akin to failure or weakness. Seek and allow support, be it through groups, investing in friendships, or finding an online group where you feel ‘got’.
5. You cut corners when needed. I have learnt to value corner cutting as a great form of meeting my own needs. When you feel overstretched, consider where you can pull back on standards, or make the road a little smoother for yourself when it comes to getting stuff done. I lean on oven meals, leave the washing pile to sit there another day, or forgo bath time when everyone is already tired and wired. If you’re a perfectionist, it can be hard to feel like you’re lowering your standards, but in doing so for a little bit, you can recoup some precious and needed energy.
6. You say no sometimes. When people-pleasing snakes its way into parenting, it can exhaust and deplete. Healthy relationships can withstand healthy boundaries. When someone asks something of you that you just don’t have the resources for, be honest. ‘I’d love to be able to help, but I’m toeing the line of burnout at the moment so trying not to overcommit. I hope you have a wonderful birthday party, but I really need a night to crash this weekend’. You may well disappoint people or feel misunderstood, but the more you hold healthy boundaries, the more resources you’ll have available to channel into the things most precious and important.
7. You seek things that make you feel like you. We may have been taught that to be a good mother is to give completely of yourself. When in truth, martyrdom to motherhood serves nobody. Yes things get done, and done well, but at what cost? I’ve worked with so many mums who feel like they’ve lost their identity and discover that finding ways to engage in things that bring them joy actually brings balance to their parenting. Our children thrive on seeing the sparkle and joy in our eyes, just as we love seeing it in theirs. Consider the things that make you feel more you, and find creative ways to engage in them a bit more!
8. You recognise that our emotions are inconsistent. Parenting is a long-haul job. It’s a daily grind. We mother through sickness, highs and lows, sleep deprivation, PMT. We wake up on the wrong side of the beds, feel stressed, and overwhelmed. Trying to hide our emotions and put on a happy face to reassure our children is well meaning, but can feel confusing. Consider when someone is smiling but you can sense that they’re not okay. You pick up on that little conflict through body language and tone of voice, just as your kids do. Naming emotions, taking responsibility for them and explaining them in an age-appropriate way brings clarity for your child and lets them know that they haven’t caused any of the emotion they may be picking up on. ‘I am feeling a bit poorly today and it’s making me grumpy’.
9. You challenge guilt. Guilt can act as a red flag that pops up and invites us to turn towards it with enquiry. Ask yourself ‘what is this guilt telling me?’. It might be that ‘should’s are cropping up and you need to recognise you’re not doing anything wrong. ‘I should be finding this easier’. In this case, choose to let the guilt go and reframe the ‘should’, for example ‘It’s okay to find hard things hard!’. The guilt may also be nudging you to seek a resource or make a change. ‘I feel guilty for yelling at my child’ might be a nudge to seek some support, or take a break because you’re feeling done-in. Once the guilt has served its purpose, choose to let it go.
10. You cut yourself some slack. Add some humanness into your expectations of yourself. A perfect parent will never prepare a child for a wildly imperfect world. This isn’t a go-ahead for going rogue, but a reminder that the fact you’re even reading this article wanting to do right by your child shows that you’re always seeking to learn and grow, and that’s an act of love in itself.
Being the good enough parent isn’t about setting a low bar, but a realistic one. It means that you’re less likely to succumb to the critical internal dialogue when you’ve not been on you’re a-game. This cruel dialogue chips away at confidence, fuels guilt, and stirs up feelings of shame that can easily find you feeling as if you’re the only one to be finding hard stuff hard. Instead, setting the bar of expectation to a place that acknowledges you’re doing the best you can with the resources you have in that moment, mean that you’re more likely to turn towards yourself with an enquiring and non-judgemental mind. So, let’s make ‘good enough’ good enough again!
If you liked this then check out Anna's other great, and insightful articles. Themost recent on mum rage will make you feel seen, and the 5 most common grandparenting fails will make you realise it's not just you. Plus her heartaching piece on regretting motherhood shares five brilliant ways to respond to that feeling.
