Experts share their advice on how to show you care at Christmas to someone who is suffering from baby loss, to help make them feel less alone over the festive season.
Christmas and other winter festivals and celebrations, such as Divali and Hanukah, can be an extremely difficult time for anyone who has been affected by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby. With so much focus on - family, children and socialising - those living with baby loss can feel even more isolated and alone in their grief.
Every day in the UK, 13 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth. And at least 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage according to Child Bereavement charity Sands (Stillbirth and Neonatal Charity) and it wants any bereaved families feeling in need of emotional support over the festive period to know they are not alone. It believes sharing their experiences and talking about their babies can help some bereaved parents feel less alone.
Sands’ Chief Executive Clea Harmer said: “We know that many people find this a difficult time of year, as we miss those who aren’t here celebrating with us, but who will always be in our hearts. We want everyone to know we are here if they need support this winter, and that everyone can make a difference by reaching out to someone they know who has experienced pregnancy loss or the death of a baby.
“There can be many demands on your time and energy over the Christmas period from friends, family and colleagues. Self-care and taking time to grieve or remember your baby in the way that feels right for you is important.
“Christmas and the festive period are known as a time for giving and parents give Sands a most valuable gift. They share with us the story of their baby and their experience of loss and we make sure their voices are at the heart of research and changes that improve maternity safety, and challenge inequalities.
“This winter at Sands we want to thank and celebrate the parents, family members, and everyone who support our work all year round to support bereaved families and save babies’ lives. Together, we’re creating a future so more families have a different story to tell.”
What to say at Christmas to someone suffering from baby loss
- Ask how they are (and really listen when they answer).
- Ask if they want to talk about their baby.
- Use their baby’s name.
- Ask if there is anything practical you can do to help, e.g. cooking, driving, or looking after other children.
- Invite them to social events but say you understand if they don’t want to come, and you won’t be offended if they decide not to come at the last minute.
- Invite them for a walk, coffee or a film - something that's not a festive event or activity and is a much smaller, even one-to-one, chance to catch up.
- Ask if they would like you to go with them if they are doing something they are anxious about, such as delivering cards to neighbours or attending a memorial event for the first time.
- Ask if it would be OK for you to donate to a charity in their baby’s name.
- Tell them you are there for them (and mean it).
- Message them regularly, even just saying hello or “thinking of you”.
Goodto Family Editor Stephanie Lowe, was 19 weeks pregnant when she lost baby Mae. Now mum to son Ted, five, she admits she's bottled things up for a long time. "I lost baby Mae to a rare chromosomal condition, Triploidy. There were red flags from the start of my pregnancy, such as the baby measuring a lot smaller than my dates indicated she should, blood tests coming back inconclusive as hormone levels weren't high enough and spotting throughout. My husband and I joked about how ours was the most photographed baby given how many scans we'd had.
"Mae was very much a planned baby, so we loved her from the minute we started trying to fall pregnant. The day the sonographer told me there was no heartbeat I felt like the world stopped. I was guided into a room where I waited for my husband to arrive - the one scan he never made was the one scan where I needed him the most. No one knew what to say to us, and I didn't know what I wanted to hear until I heard the wrong things...
"Just admit it's hard, say out loud 'it's sh*t' and be there for anyone who has gone through this - no matter 'how' pregnant they were. Meet them in their loneliness, so it's not quite so lonely and... try not to cry in front of them. Don't make it their job to comfort you. Text to say you're thinking of them, and give them permission to not reply. Make a note of the date their world stopped and message them on the anniversary, light a candle during baby loss awareness week. My closest, most favourite people do this every year and I love them that little bit more for it."
How some grieving parents remember their babies
“Ever since we lost Joshan, my husband Vijay and I have been determined to create a legacy in his name by helping to make a difference in any way we can, so that other families don’t have to go through the heartbreak we have been through.” - Bhavna, bereaved parent.
“I buy an extra special decoration for the tree and I go and light a candle in the Cathedral. We always go to the candlelit service at the Cathedral to see her name ‘in lights’.” - bereaved mum Clare.
“I like to remember my baby, Rosie, by lighting a candle with her name on and placing it in the middle of the table when we have our Christmas dinner. It helps to make her a part of the day, I love seeing her name glow in the candlelight.” – bereaved mum Louise.
“My sister-in-law bought us a beautiful glass Christmas decoration for the tree, in it are the names of our family. We place this on the tree last and it always gives me a little space to remember my baby as part of our family. Attending a Sands Lights of Love event has provided us with comfort and acknowledgement - as our baby was due at Christmas it feels especially meaningful for us as a family.” – anonymous bereaved parent.
There are other ways bereaved families can find support this winter. Lights of Love services, and other seasonal events, take place across the country every year with readings, music, and candle lighting. All are welcome at these events; adults and children, of any faith and none. Find out about where Lights of Love services are taking place this December.
Through Sands’ Winter Wishes Sky anyone can create a bright online star dedication for a baby or babies. Not only does this enable families to remember their babies, but any donations help Sands’ vital work to save babies’ lives through research, informed by and involving parents.
Sands is here to support anyone affected by pregnancy or baby loss, for as long as they need this. Find out more about all the ways the charity offers bereavement support.
Alternatively, you can consider making a donation today and support Sands’ vital work to save babies’ lives.
In other family news, if you want to understand more about some of the risks during pregnancy, we've outlined some of the Pre-eclampsia symptoms here and early signs and symptoms of miscarriage.
